Mondays A Match (or is it B ) report, courtesy of Rory

With Dave the Cab choosing to exercise his motivational banter on the “B” group, your correspondent was initially concerned that there’d be nothing to write about in the “A” game given that he was taking his ballsy haircut with him. Disclaimer: t’ Committee would like it to be known that the use of the letters A and B should in no way be interpreted as denoting which is the faster or better game. It’s just a way of differentiating between the two games, so get over it or trot off through the door marked “do one!”.

The blacks had enough “robust” tacklers in their team to make the legendary Leeds line up under Don Revie look like a group of trainee ballet dancers. If anything, they looked to be packed full of one too many defenders, although as we all know, Pete and Alvin are both prone to a bit of a forward surge before firing the ball into the farthest corners of the Poli, in an effort to break Frank’s record for distance covered while collecting footballs. The blacks had the added safety net of silky footballing octogenarian hatchet man Tommy playing at the back. Pigs in blankets sous-chef Olaf started in goal. Newly re-energised John slotted into an advanced midfield role, waiting for his opportunity to break the record for shots which didn’t hit the target. Meanwhile 70’s rock band legacy Rick chased up and down the right wing for no obvious reason than to get the hair out of his eyes. Steve was preparing a whole list of arguments and disputes he could deploy at strategic moments in the game, including the usual suspects; over head height; handball; and that old favourite, was he in the box.

The reds seemed to have a strong team although they had one fewer player, and this would be the telling factor as the game progressed. Johnny was welcomed back to WFS, although whether he understood he was being welcomed back was a moot point. Our Keef tried to organise the troops with Rory and Prak sitting deep, in front of gaelic football’s gift to WFS Dazza in goal. Total football Han swaggered through midfield, supported by Johnny. Our Keef played up front in the vain hope that he might get a decent ball, thereby enabling him to score following his recent well publicised drought.

The reds started well, even though Johnny hadn’t quite clocked that the game allowed running, any touch, and the ball overhead height. This was to be expected given ref John’s rudimentary grasp of the Hungarian language (goulash anyone?). However, this also left plenty of opportunity for Steve to foment unrest in the ranks as there were several misunderstandings about what was and wasn’t allowed. After some stagnant midfield ball exchanges one of our Keef’s many runs across the box eventually landed him on the end of a nice flowing move between Rory and Prak. Our Keef wasted no time and brilliantly slotted the ball into the corner giving the reds a well-deserved goal. Reds 1-0 Blacks.

The massed defensive ranks of the blacks couldn’t stop themselves running forward and having a pop at the opposition goal. The only impact of this was for the game to run out of footballs which had been wildly dispatched to the farthest corners of the Poli by some pretty shoddy shooting. John was having one of his better games, linking well with defence and attack while simultaneously forming a nice partnership with Steve and Rick, which was straining the reds’ defensive capabilities. Remarkably Dazza wasn’t troubled in goal, given his renowned ability to conjure up a goalkeeping error out of nothing (second only to Steve in this respect). The reds were looking confident, and it wasn’t long before they broke away and put in total football Han to neatly finish off another fine move. Reds 2-0 Blacks.

Unfortunately, the fact that the rules weren’t communicated to Johnny in Hungarian eventually resulted in a goal. The entire reds’ defence stopped when Johnny’s less than complete grasp of the rules led him to complain about Rick touching the ball four times. Instead of playing to the whistle, the reds played a game of statues (which Rory won quite easily because of ability to stand still for more than 2 seconds). Meanwhile, the blacks played on, and a great cross enabled John to run in and hammer home a goal from close range that not even he could miss. Reds 2-1 Blacks.

After this unfortunate setback, the reds proceeded to unravel like the alibi of a murderer in an Agatha Christie novel. Once again, a schoolboy error from Rory gave the ball away as he tried to thread the ball through a mass of players with less chance of success than Man Utd qualifying for Europe this season. This presented the blacks with another sitter in front of goal enabling Alvin to prove that given 250 chances, he can actually hit the target with one. Reds 2-2 Blacks.

The reds slowly recovered their composure, but not before the blacks had sauntered into a 3-2 lead thanks to some great pressing by Pete and Alvin, creating another goalscoring opportunity. Reds 2-3 Blacks.

Steve’s less than subtle introduction of several arguments about the ball being over head height, and whether Prak had handled the ball, resulted in our Keef’s head detaching from his body and firing into a low orbit just outside the earth’s upper stratosphere. For 10 minutes, Keef’s headless body put in a pretty good performance, although he didn’t get much of the ball due to his loss of the power of speech. Following that brief respite, Keef’s orb returned to earth just in time to help the reds draw level with a great strike from the marauding Dazza who is either feast or famine (ok, mostly famine). But what a strike it was. Reds 3-3 Blacks.

To make matters worse for the blacks, total football Han slotted a brilliant pass through the blacks’ defence for Rory to poke through Pete’s legs and into the goal. It was the perfect comeback, and surely the reds would win it from here. Reds 4-3 Blacks. With our Keef in goal for the last quarter the reds started to deploy a high press. In fact, it was so high goalkeeper Keef was playing centre forward. This bold strategy (or example of extreme stupidity) inevitably backfired with a long-range shot exposing the fact that the reds didn’t have anyone in goal. The coup-de-gras was applied by Rick who with back to goal, spun on a sixpence (two and half pence), and with his fringe parting just long enough for him to see the goal, fired it passed a bemused Keef who’s brain stem hadn’t quite reconnected with his spine following his noggin’s brief sojourn into space. The beleaguered reds watched on in horror and disbelief as the ball skidded past a static Keef into the goal. Reds 4-5 Blacks.

The reds fought hard to get back in the game, but the blacks strong back three of Tommy, Pete and Alvin held firm to close out the match and secure a deserved win in a very tight game. Final score Reds 4-5 Blacks. At the end of the game everyone shook hands and headed off to the bar for a three-week course in basis Hungarian walking football phrases….”negy erintes”.

Images from Monday