Fast Match Report by Rory

Northern Powerhouse is alive and kicking in the goals at the Poli.

At the precise moment when our man of the people, multi-billionaire, private jet flying, heated indoor swimming pool owning, environment burning leader is deciding that the Norf doesn’t need a fast train, a Northern Powerhouse bangs in 6 against an understrength opposition. Our Keef (he used to be someone) was pulling together a team of running / walking footballers to take on the might of Calahonda, and Coventry in a triangular tournament at the weekend. In preparation for the big day, it was decided that the selected team should have a run out against a willing team of sacrificial lambs for the greater good.

With a four-hour briefing beforehand explaining the new rules: no running; no tackling; no kicking the ball; no breathing blah blah blah, the enthusiastic ball bashers were a tad confused. A special rule had been introduced to trap Dazza. The fourth person to get caught for running would be in the sin bin for 5 minutes. Sorry! With welly boot wearing fireman John reffing the game it was only going to be a matter of time before the oirish overlapping fullback was going to fall foul of the rules.

Clearly, the reds were no mugs on the ball. Six-foot seven midfield dynamo Glyn could surely now get a game for Man Utd on present form. Neville was a powerful force in defence and has the trophy cabinet of severed limbs to prove it. Crusaders dynamo Laurence has a posh name with a tackle of steel and ensured the blacks weren’t going to be a pushover. Meanwhile, little Al provided a calm probing presence as a false number nine, beard and moustache.

The reds were determined to hold their shape. Northern Powerhouse big Al up front was prepared to have the sh*t kicked out of him and lay off some great balls to his fast-moving and mobile midfield support.  However, after 10 minutes of the reds creating pretty patterns with their passing movements (they’ve now got an exhibition of their patterns in the National Art Gallery), it only needed one poor pass from knee knacked Rory to let the blacks press seize the ball and allow the annoying disco dancing little Al to slot the ball past the despairing keeper. Reds 0-1 Blacks.

Once they’d regained their composure, the reds resumed their stylish passing and moving patterns (which if viewed from outer space might have looked like aliens had landed). Johnny’s time with Mikel Arteta had clearly paid off, where he was prepared to pass the ball about 100 times before contemplating a shot on goal. When he did eventually get around to it, they were majestically blasted high, or wide, or both. WTF! Despite his profligacy, Johnny combined well with our Keef to provide an incisive attacking force down the right flank, and it wasn’t long before they forged an opening for the Northern Powerhouse to smack the ball into the net and put the reds back on track. Reds1-1 Blacks.

Wrexham fanatic Welsh Steve was conjuring up the spirit of Deadpool and having a blinder at the back for the blacks as they sought to regain the lead. Just as it looked like they might get the upper hand, Dazza picked the wrong time to be the fourth person for the blacks to run in front of the referee and was promptly dispatched to the sin bin. The reds didn’t need a second invitation and started threading the ball through to big Al (Opta Stats: one goal from 5000 shots, 3 shots on target). Sure enough the sharp elbowed frontman banged in another couple of goals to give the reds a comfortable lead. Reds 3-1 Blacks. Once Dazza had stopped feeling victimised, he returned to the game to give the blacks some much needed energy in midfield.

Meanwhile, big Al was bangin’ them in for fun and soon gave the reds what looked like a comfortable 4-1 lead. However, complacency soon set in and the reds were quickly under the cosh from some hard working play from Laurie and Glyn for the blacks who created space for their midfield empresario, little Al. With Kevo back in goal from some bad knee knack the reds’ defence looked vulnerable, apart from the fact that Kevo is normally an ace keeper. However, the big man’s sore knee was stopping his arms from working, and the blacks had soon alarmingly pulled the score back to Reds 4-3 Blacks.  What a turnaround. Fortunately for the reds, they soon regained their composure and started making easy short passes and geometrically working their way through the blacks’ defence.

Unsurprisingly, Dazza was sin binned for a second time for being caught out as the fourth person in his team to be running. This normally dull event led to the most hilarious incident of the match when a sin binned Dazza wrapped his leg around the post to prevent big Al from scoring (not really, the shot was going to hit the post). Fireman John had no option but to award a penalty, which big Al subsequently blasted against little Al who was doing everything he could to defend himself. Even the follow up howitzter fired in by big Al was nicely saved off the back of little Al’s head. Gordon Banks move over!

With Johnny getting a second wind and our Keef doing his whirling dervish thing, the reds started to dominate the latter parts of the game, enabling big Al to score a record breaking 6 goals for the reds. Final score Reds 6-3 Blacks. A tad harsh on the blacks who played well and would have scored more goals but for some courageous goalkeeping from the injured Kevo for the reds. With the usual great friendly spirit the guys shook hands and went to the bar to discover that Calahonda had failed to book the pitch for Saturday morning and the match was off. Ah well…….

Slow Game report by Geoff

REDS ….3 versus BLACKS ….0

Very little to write about in a low scoring game, with the average age of those playing  slightly over 71 years, surely a record at the Polideportivo.

It is therefore not surprising in a game albeit played in an excellent spirit there was very little flowing football and the average age would have been even higher if not for one of the players being under 60.

The highlight of the first session was Dave, now recovering slowly from a long illness, scoring a typical poachers goal to put the Reds one up reminiscent of his past glories.

The second quarter was goalless with not much to write about other than lots of near misses from both sides mainly due to poor finishing.

1-0 to Reds.

The Owl scored a second in the third session with players on both sides understandably now beginning to feel the effects of the above average Autumnal heat.

2-0 to Reds.

The last session began after the water break with Dave scoring for the Reds there being no further score and the match ending 3-0 to the Reds.

Audrey the youngest player on the pitch playing rush goalie for the Blacks for most of the match did her best to inject some much needed energy into her team without too much success, albeit not for the want of trying.

It was great to see Jim King at 79 years of age and one of the original WFS members making a surprise appearance on his old stamping ground. It was noted that even in a supposedly non contact game he had not lost the ability to use his elbows.

Footnote:

A week ago I was accosted by someone in a green hooped football shirt on the paseo near the Bil Bil House, namely our old friend Paddy, an avid Celtic fan and WFS player with a great left peg..

He is still waiting his knee replacement operation, it was great to have a catch up with him and I reminded him he is more than welcome to join us after one of our sessions at the Polideportivo whilst in Benalmadena.