Benalmadena 9th January

Match report by Rory

The “stop football” campaign 2023 gets underway.

The shuffling footballers had their long-awaited return to the Polideportivo on Thursday 12 January. The Christmas and New Year break had taken its toll on the aged toe-pokers as they had all gone a bit Kalvin Phillips and were even slower to the ball than usual. Breck did his best to pick to well matched teams, but at the last minute, switched himself to the blacks, a decision which would later have a profound effect on the outcome of the game. Former legend Keef was unable to make the game due to being the last person on the planet to catch Covid. He used to be somebody, you know.

Bets were taken on who was going to pull up with an injury first, with Dave the cab being the early favourite given his more than passing resemblance to Darren Anderton. The reds looked strong with Stephen marshalling midfield with an array of short arguments designed to distract the opposition. The reds’ defence looked solid with a no-nonsense look at about it. Leeds hardman Tim looked unpassable at right back with a supporting cast of Audrey, Brian and Dazza completing the back line. Rick took the first shift in goal while PSV, pass and move tikki-takka Dutch wizard Han sat in the hole and orchestrated some of their best moves. As usual, Rory looked lost in his holding midfield role.

The blacks had powerhouse Sergei as centre mid backed up by silky smooth Boris, caressing the ball out from the back. James (shoot from anywhere!) took up an advanced position supported by Dave the cab whose sinews started to complain in the warm-up. Surely only a matter of time before the playmaker would have some hamstring twang. Bambi and Mick made a potent strike force for the black. Bambi’s inspirational calls to his teammates kept their spirits up when they were under pressure. The Fish took up his usual role as attacking wing-back, determined to add to his already record-breaking number of assists.

The reds dominated the early exchanges, but really couldn’t hit the side of a barn door. James and Dazza adopted their Beatles approach to calling for the ball….Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! and unsurprisingly, they never got the ball because of their inability to remember the name of any of their teammates. After a dull first third the game sprung into life when, against the run of play Sergei displayed his softer side by guiding a great pass into the bottom corner of the net to give the blacks a lead they hardly deserved. And with Kevo moving out of goal the blacks started to look like they could hold onto their narrow lead. The reds saw a chance to get back into the game when James failed to kick half of the pitch into the goal, and instead injured his leg, thereby confounding all previous bets on Dave the cab not lasting the full hour.

As the reds pressed for an equaliser, they fell for the classic counter punch with Dave scoring a vital second goal for the blacks on the counterattack. Blacks 2-0 Reds. With Han playing a blinder in midfield and Audrey taking up a more advance position, it looked like only a matter of time before the reds would get one back. However, it was not to be as for some reason the reds thought the point of the game was to see how many times they could hit the goal frame. Sure enough, shots from Audrey Han and Rory peppered the goal and regularly hit the crossbar and the post. To rub salt in the wound Sergei burst in from the left and struck a shot against Tim’s dangling foot and the ball spun into the air and nestled in the far corner of the goal past Stephen who was slightly less mobile than the Elgin Marbles.

The reds salvaged some pride following some well-deserved goals from Eindhoven’s finest (Han). The first was a nice intercept of a stray pass which he buried in the bottom corner. The second was a great strike past Breck’s despairing dive. However, the reds’ hopes of a great comeback were dashed by Breck’s impersonation of Jan Tomaszewski. He made a string of superb saves to deny the reds the equalising goal their play deserved. Fireman John blew his whistle to bring a premature end to the game, much to the frustration of the marauding reds.

Final score Blacks 3-2 Reds