Benalmadena 8th May

Slow farts Match Report by Geoff

REDS ….2 versus BLACKS ….2

A really excellent turnout yesterday of 30 players thereby necessitating two matches to be played with the old farts playing a 9 aside game.

The first 15 minutes was pretty even until old stager Ken and goal poacher supreme pounced to give the Blacks the lead. Highlight of this quarter was one terrific tussle for the ball between old farts Sonic for the Reds and Octogenarian Walter for the Blacks not forgetting a crunching tackle on youngster Stephen Mac by old fart Dave.

Remember this is supposed to be a no contact game!

After the statutory water break Sonic for the Reds wasted several good chances to score before Ken made it 2-0 after 25 minutes. Just before the second water break Mike ‘the Crocodile from Dundee’ in the Reds goal belied his aging body and somehow tipped over the bar a terrific shot from Bambi which was destined for the top corner of the net.

2-0 at the break to the Blacks.

The Blacks dominated the third quarter however with Kevo and Audrey aka Pocahontas for the Reds  working tirelessly in defence they prevented any further scoring.

For the last quarter a master stroke by Kevo moving Sonic the Hedgehog into defence with the instructions to make a nuisance of himself which he did terrifically well by breaking  up the Blacks attacks. This strategy worked well with Kevo pushing himself forward and scoring an excellent breakaway goal to pull  one back for the Reds.

The decision by H the referee to play added time didn’t go down well with the Blacks, in particular Bambi who was his normal vociferous self. Much to the displeasure of the aforementioned with the last kick of the match Graham for the Reds latched onto a loose ball which went through the legs of octogenarian Walter to blast the equaliser into the back of the Blacks net.

For the Reds Welsh Steve had his best game for sometime in defence with guest player Pup and Stephen Mac the pick of the Blacks.

Footnote:

Walter kindly gifted H a copy of his fascinating and amazing biography titled ‘To travel is to live’ which can be bought on Amazon with all proceeds being shared amongst his 7 charities.

Unlike Keef he won’t be using it as a doorstop. Only joking Walter.

Fast Farts Match Report by Rory

Due to a superb turnout at the Stadium of Sh*te the Commander and Breck were able to put together two games of the fast and slow variety. Your correspondent was in the fast game and was treated to a awesome exhibition of tikka takka footie. The teams looked evenly matched, although the reds did have wee Eddie, who could execute more moves and passes than Boris Johnson at a Tory Party Conference disco. Eddie’s strike partner was big John, rejoicing in the fact that at least Arsenal will finish a creditable second in the Premier League. With your scribe starting in goal, the reds had a solid defence built on Pete in the middle supported by part-time apprentice cage-fighter Dave on the left, forlorn Leeds supporter Tim completing a solid back three. Total footballer Han started in the middle giving the reds an air of attacking fluidity.

The blacks started out with unbeatable Loasby in goal and Nigel making a good target man up front. Other than that, the blacks’ formation resembled a series of particles being blasted through the large Hadron Collider. In other words, it was difficult to work out who was playing where. Nevertheless, the blacks started strongly and soon put your correspondent under pressure with a series of swift attacks and shots on goal. The best of these was a dipping drive from Nigel, which was nicely tipped over the bar. The reds’ defence stayed solid, with Tim and Pete putting in some nice interceptions and ensuring the opposition forwards had the word “Adidas” nicely tattooed on the back of their calves. The blacks were full of players who could talk a good game, however this didn’t convert into something actually happening on the pitch. With flyboy Gary playing deep for the blacks, he wasn’t able to show his usually energetic class up front, possibly as a result of his knees being held together with duct tape.

With the first quarter ending in stalemate, Steve Loasby stepped out of goal to add some further bite in midfield for the blacks. Gaelic football legend Dazza, volunteered to don the gloves. The reds brand of “to me, to you” passing and moving soon started to wear down the blacks’ defence. Although Keef and Laurie did their utmost to disrupt play, your correspondent, total football Han, and big John created enough triangles to pass a GCSE in geometry. Following a fine flowing move down the right Dave worked the ball through to your correspondent who fired the ball across a flailing Dazza into the corner. Reds 1-0 Blacks. The reds went further ahead when Han threaded a great ball through to Eddie who had ghosted his way to the edge of the opposition box. As Dazza advanced from his goal Eddie passed the ball between his legs and into the empty goal. A great finish. Reds 2-0 Blacks.

The blacks were increasingly in disarray and weren’t able to find frontman Nigel, who became more isolated and started to drop deep to pick up the ball. As the game wore on, the blacks started to tire. Ken, who had been having a good game at left wing-back volunteered to go in goal and the blacks moved Gary into a more advanced role to support Nigel upfront. Tiny Tim moved into goal for the reds. Although these changes brought some promising half-chances for the blacks, Pete continued his solid defensive play at the back to limit any shots on goal. Out of the blue Ken got his feet in a twist on the edge of the box, and inadvertently toe-poked the ball to Dave on the edge of the box. The cabman couldn’t look this gift-horse in the mouth and calmly picked his spot in the corner giving the reds an unassailable 3-0 lead.

With one last roll of the Allardyce, the blacks continued to press forward for a consolation with Keef draining his Duracell battery at an alarming rate. However, this only exposed them to the reds’ counterattacks. Sure enough Han scored a great goal from a tight angle on the right and this was soon followed by big John getting the goal his link-up played had deserved, following a great ball from Pete. Reds 5-0 Blacks. At this point, John the ref had seen enough and compassionately decided to put the blacks out of their misery. Final Score Reds 5-0 Blacks. Once again proving just how difficult it is to put two evenly matched teams together. Thanks to John for having a great game as ref and generally getting all of the decisions correct. Back in the bar, Keef continued his outrageous attempts to pretend he was a lifelong supporter of the Bhoys by reeling off a series of rebel songs he’d learned on YouTube.