Benalmadena 5th June

Match Report by Rory

The Commander kindly bequeathed the match reporting duties to yours truly, supplying some brief notes and bullet points to support your cub reporter to produce his regular cure for insomnia and constipation. Your correspondent felt obliged to bin the Commander’s notes when he got to the point where “Keef was proceeding in a northerly direction down the Poli towards the opposition goal your worships”. Your scribe promptly shredded the plodathon (only kidding Geoff!) and dived into his usual wonderland of fictional footie.

Times are hard, and the walkers could only muster 10 on one team and 9 on the other. The reds had dynamic duo 5 touch Ken and encyclopaedic brain in a jar Mike playing up front. For some reason a swarm of Daves had turned up to play and when the cry of “Dave” “Dave” went up, half the pitch turned their heads. It was going to be one of those games. The reds’ midfield was packed with pass and move enthusiasts. Dave the cab positioned himself a left half supporting Dave S with his powerful left foot who also took more dives than Tom Daley when in the qualifying round for the 10 metre board at the Olympics. There were disproportionate number of left footers playing for the reds although they also had token Rangers supporter Dave playing for them in the interest of balance. Wee Eddie slotted into the Eddie Gray role with your pen man concentrating on breaking up the blacks’ attacks. With Dazza starting in goal, hard tackling Audrey was at centre half alongside Kevo playing libero, where he is best able to deploy his hoverboarding skills.

The blacks had target man Nigel up front, with Sonic in the hole. Running / not running Keef took a right half role with machine from the future Kai (I’ll be back) starting on the left and covering every blade of synthetic fibre. Welsh Steve (the most improved player in 2023 award winner) played in a defensive holding role alongside. The acrobatic Billy the Fish started out as rush goalie. Debating genius Stephen started out in an advanced role, well primed to start a debate about whether the ball was head high or whether someone was running.

After a tight start, the reds were able to find 5 touch Ken following a Jim Baxter like through ball from Dundee Mike. The dynamic goal poacher only needed 12 of his infinite number of touches before poking the ball past the advancing Fish. Reds 1-0 Blacks. Meanwhile the reds were keeping things tight at the back with Audrey and Kevo forming a formidable duo and keeping the lid on Nigel and Sonic’s attacking moves. Dazza only had to save a couple of speculative shots in the first quarter (huge sigh of relief!).

Howitzer firing Dave S was searching for a goal when he inadvertently hit Ken with one of his goal bound pile drivers. The jinky front man shrugged off the pain and immediately resumed his position at inside left as the score remained at 1-0. This was followed by the air shot of the game when Mick was clear on goal and failed to connect with the ball when it looked easier to score. With Keef and Kai combining well to seize control of midfield for the blacks, Dave the Bee started to fire off a number of (nearly) goal bound shots which encouraged the blacks to attack in force. Fortunately, the reds had super keeper Kevo in goal, and he pulled off a couple of smart saves to keep the reds in front.

With Scottish Dave dropping between the sticks the blacks managed to snatch a deserved equaliser following some good link up play by Stephen who had deployed a complex debate about the ball pressure which distracted the reds’ defence. Nigel seized on the opportunity and blazed a shot past Dave’s despairing dive. Reds 1-1 Blacks. Dazza was having a great game down the right for the reds and sensibly didn’t try any shots at the opposition goal. But his nice link up play with Hungarian footballing legend Johnny opened up the blacks’ defence. This left your correspondent free in the middle of the park who promptly slotted the ball through to Dave S whose powerful left foot did the rest as he drilled it past Breck in the blacks’ goal. Reds 2-1 Blacks.

The blacks continued to press hard for an equaliser with Stephen and Nigel linking up well and threatening to score. Graham was having a nice game in midfield supported by Steve who did a great job of breaking up the reds’ attacks. Dave in goal for the reds stood firm and pulled off a blinding save from Dave the Bee who unleashed another thunderbolt. At the other end, super brain in a jar Mike pulled down a great ball before thumping a brilliant volley just over the bar past Breck’s outstretched hand. As the clock ticked down on the final quarter the nine-man blacks were visibly tiring after putting in a superhuman effort to score an equaliser. Sure enough, as we entered the dying seconds of the match the blacks managed to find goal poacher Ken on the edge of the box. Following the introduction of the new rule to prevent defenders from running back to stop a certain goal, Ken was able to use all of his 436 touches to bring the ball under control before toe-poking it past the advancing Breck. Final Score Reds 3-1 Blacks.

Thanks to John for putting on another great show as referee and keeping the runners and heavy tacklers in check. The group then went to the bar to discuss whether Postecoglou winning everything with Celtic, makes him a good football manager.