Benalmadena 29th June

Match Report by Rory

There was an end of term feel to the final fixture of the 2022/23 season, (three prefects flushed a new boy’s head down the toilets and other high jinx) but a solid turnout meant that Breck was able to muster a 10-a-side game at the Poli. The reds started out one man down due to late arrival of Rory who had hot footed it down from his last Spanish lesson of term (voy jugar al futbol!). With the Commander reffing the game, the ball bashers knew that anything could happen and that there would be a fair amount of dodgy decisions and evidence tampering.

The blacks made the first mistake of the game by putting mind-wandering Stephen in goal first up instead of using his gold medal winning debating skills to bamboozle the opposition and open up some gaps in the opposition defence – was that over head height? That was four touches! and that old favourite “a full body assault 3 yards from the ball is never a foul….” Unbelievably, the blacks’ rock-solid defence meant the reds didn’t get a chance to test out Stephen’s concentration skills. Klaus was looking good at left back with deadly Rick making some surging runs down (down deeper ‘n down) the right flank. Skilful Hungarian playmaker Johnny unusually took a position at the heart of the defence hoping to evoke the ghost of Glenn Hoddle in his Swindon days, pinging a few tracer bullet passes to his forwards.

Each team had a Swede apiece, the blacks a skilful ball player and the reds not. However, Kaj deployed a range of colourful Swedish expletives as he cocked up another promising move. That said, Kaj’s liquid metal appendages come in handy when he closes down the opposition and he extends his legs halfway across the pitch. What about the game I hear you ask? Well punters, there wasn’t much to it. There were certainly some tasty tackles and Audrey was competing hard with Johnny for the toughest tackler competition. But really Aud, regularly taking out Bambi doesn’t count!

Keef started out up front for the blacks to see if he could extend his magic hat-trick run from Monday. But guess what…. he couldn’t. Following a rare attack for the blacks the ball broke to Breck. Now normally I’d say his attempt at a shot was going to put the pigeon sitting on top of the flagpole at risk. Remarkably, 20 yards out, running a way from goal, Breck managed to send a great curling shot into the bottom corner past the despairing dive of Fish, who apparently got a dorsal fin caught in the goal net thereby preventing him from reaching the ball and making what should have been an easy save. Reds 0-1 Blacks

The two Dave’s for the reds started to increase their influence over the game as they realised it was going to be difficult to break down a determined blacks defence. Then followed a pivotal moment in the game when enthusiastic tough tackling terrier Alvin caught Breck on his big toe, mortally wounding the acrylic on the said appendage. Despite urgent treatment from the local nail bar there was no way Breck would be able to continue, and he withdrew to the Blacks’ goal, where to be fair, he has a wonderful track record.

Better still for the reds, Kevo replaced the Fish in goal and proceeded to pull off a string of wonderful saves which kept his team in the game. Eventually, the reds started to exert some pressure on the blacks and Dave the cab combined well with yours truly to shift the ball down the left flank. Your scribe picked out the ever-mobile Kaj on the edge of the box and he calmly extended his left leg by another 3 feet to control the ball and then fire it into the far corner past the less mobile acrylic shorn keeper. Reds 1-1 Blacks.

Stephen’s debating superpower was starting to have an impact when he embroiled your favourite pen man in an existential debate about what a foul was. This opened up some space for Keef, but QPRs substitute boot man couldn’t hit the target. Eventually, it had to fall to former Millwall hardman Bambi to show Keef how to do it by firing a rocket towards the top corner. But sure enough Kevo sprung to his left to spectacularly claw the ball past the upright.

The highlight of the match arrived when Dave cab and Welsh Steve got stuck into some robust tackling. To everyone’s amusement the ball cannoned into the Commander’s middle stump causing him to double over in pain. Of course, the sympathetic walkers wanted to carry on with the game as the Commander cried out for assistance. After a brief massage by someone who chooses to remain anonymous, the Commander was soon back in the thick of the action, albeit his voice was about 5 Octaves higher.

Maybe it was because of the shock, but the now 3 inches shorter ref decided to add on a fifth quarter (go figure), to see if one team could emerge as a clear winner. Although the blacks had territorial dominance, no-one looked like scoring so the game finished a creditable bore draw.       Reds 1-1 Blacks.

Well folks, that’s it until September. Breck made a fine speech and extra food was laid on to celebrate the end of another great season. Special thanks to Breck for taking over from the man who used to be someone and doing a great job of organising the games. Also big thanks to Geoff for verbally abusing us when we arrive and looking after the cash. And finally to the man who used to be someone, who is always there to support Breck and Geoff.

Hasta Luego!