Jim King Trophy – Take 2

Match report from Rory

Yes football fans, it’s that time of year again with the prestigious Jim King Cup being played at the Stadium of S*ite, Polideportivo Benalmadena Pueblo. The Calahonda visitors turned up with their shiny green shirts (Plymouth Argyle circa 1946), and had pulled together a solid line-up led by deadly striker Gary up front, ably supported by Dutch wizard Hans (literally) running the channels. The visitors were always going to be difficult to break down, with a solid looking midfield and defensive backline marshalled excellently by Colin, Steve and Adam playing a blinder as a right-sided clone of super Andy Robertson. Even if they could penetrate the solid defence, the blacks still had to beat Eddie (“the cat”), who seemed to fill the small goal.

The Benalmadena team played in all black, which seemed to foretell the gloomy outcome for the hosts who, to make matters worse, were asked to wear black bibs over their black shirts by Colin, who thought it would make them look smarter. Go figure. Anyway, the blacks set out a cautious line-up fielding 2 goalkeepers in Luton’s 7^th choice keeper Steve Loasby, and super keeper and part-time endurance cyclist Keith, sharing the duties in the first half. Colin led the line for the blacks with Keef, Rory and Alan taking up residence in a congested midfield. Kevo took on the unenviable role of trying to mark Gary while Boris brought some pace and width to the right flank. Meanwhile the Commander prowled the technical area like a cut-price Bielsa, barking instructions in a language the blacks couldn’t understand.

Fireman John had the unenviable task of trying to ref the match with many of the players suffering a partial dementia attack and conveniently forgetting that you’re not supposed to run. The blacks started out encouragingly, dominating possession with their flowing pass and move patterns, which while looking pretty, were even less effective than the Spanish World Cup team at breaking down a determined defence. Eddie was rarely troubled in the Calahonda goal, and anything that did reach him was competently dealt with. With Steve, Colin and Tony cutting off the supply to the black’s lone striker, they soon started to hurt the blacks on the counter attack. Gary was soon giving a passable impersonation of Martin Chivers as balls were knocked up to him to lay-off to the supporting Hans.

The game was going nowhere fast until a misplaced ball from Colin for the blacks found its way through to dangerman Gary who skilfully passed the ball into the corner of the goal, beating Steve’s despairing dive. The blacks were momentarily stunned at this reverse, allowing the greens to press home their advantage. As the blacks tried to pierce the green defence a long ball from the backed picked out Gary (who had the ball magnets in his boots). The big front man brilliantly turned man-for-man marker Kevo and fired across the keeper into the corner. A superb individual effort which was to seal the game for the visitors.

In desperation, the Commander brought on Bambi for Colin, but without support from the mass ranks of the blacks’ midfield, the mercurial wing-man was unable to find any space amongst the tight marking greens’ defence. In his 10 min cameo, Bambi only touched the ball once although opta stats showed that he managed to verbally abuse 75% of his teammates. Out of the blue, the blacks were given a penalty after Tony’s overgrown big toe-nail inadvertently drifted into the box. Kevo courageously stepped forward to take the penalty, but somehow Eddie managed to expand himself to the size of the goal, and Kevo had no option but to blast the ball past the upright. Bambi’s last act before being hoiked by the Commander was to give Kevo both barrels of “facking useless” before departing the game and allowing the surprising return of Colin.

As the blacks surged forward in a vain attempt to salvage something from the game the greens started to hit them on the counter, bringing out some superb saves from Italian stopper Paolo in the blacks’ goal. The blacks thought they’d pulled one back when Keef found himself through on goal. To the surprise of everyone, including Keef, he unbelievably laid it off to the onrushing Steve Loasby who proceeded to trip over the ball. With one last push, the blacks won a corner from which Al struck a great goal from the edge of the box. Game on!! Tragically, VAR ruled it out after the anonymous men in Stockley Park ruled that Al’s untrimmed armpit hair had strayed into the box thereby ruling out what would have been a great strike.

After some great end-to-end play the game finally ended in a well deserved 0-2 win for the lads from Calahonda. The game was played in a great spirit, and everyone enjoyed drinks and tapas in the bar afterwards.

Congratulations to Calahonda.