Benalmadena 26th June

Slow Match Report by H

REDS…..5 versus BLACKS …..1

Due to numbers it was decided to play 2 matches, one a 6 a side for the so called elite group and a 7 a side for the less mobile, those carrying knocks and geriatrics. Both games using the smaller goals.

Due to the excessive heat, Fish sensibly narrowed the pitches for both matches.

Such changes  made no difference to the rampant Reds in the 7 aside game who got off to a flying start with a gift goal by Big Nige following a dreadful clearance by Dave the Bee in the Blacks goal.

Minutes later Glynn on his return following a bar room brawl, sorry fall, showed he had lost none of his sharpness slotting another past the Bee after a slick pass from Ken, our oldest regular member.

Then on 10 minutes Ken scored a clever individual goal with a superb flick past the helpless Dave the Bee who was obviously delighted to hear the whistle for the first statutory water break.

3-0 to the Reds.

Almost immediately on the restart Ken, scored a cracking goal made all the better by a terrific through pass from Welsh Steve, our most improved player at the Polideportivo, that is according to Mr Nobody of course..

4-0 and only 12 minutes gone. The smaller nets making no difference to the Reds, albeit aided by some really loose Blacks defending.

Woe and behold, a minute later a shot from the ever dangerous Nigel gave him his second aided it must be said by a deflection off Jan’s backside.

5-0 to the Reds.

By now the Blacks woke up and realised that they had to tighten up their defence, moving Sonic back in defence to make a nuisance of himself,  which he does very well and Breck taking command of the midfield.

Just before the second break, Dave the Bee made up for his calamitous performance in goal with an opportunist shot the ball deflected into his path by Welsh Steve.

5-1 to the Reds.

Third session began with a fine save by the Milky Bar Kid, now in goal for the Blacks, from Nigel the Reds hot shot.

Even in this sweltering weather, the MBK gets whiter than ever!

By now the Reds were finding it harder to break down the Blacks defence who were playing much better and rueing their early poor defending.

Just before the end of the 4th session, following a superb cross field pass by Dave the Bee, the Blacks should have scored only for Sonic to make a fantastic air-shot, obviously still thinking he was boogieing at last Fridays San Juan Fiesta.

The last four quarters were goalless with Breck now trying to claim a moral Blacks victory because they had had the better of these sessions.

There is no doubt that even on one leg Nigel was the difference between the two teams with old stager Ken showing that if you give him space there is still life in the old dog!

In the last few minutes, the pitch was invaded by a male dressed  in black trying to nick the ball before H as referee got him by the ear and forcibly removed him from the pitch.

He was later identified but cannot be named for legal reasons but known to have convictions for selling batteries as coins!

Luckily for the invader there was no stairs nearby on this occasion.

In conclusion, Audrey for the Reds on occasions showed dissent by kicking the ball away and was lucky not to be red carded when decisions didn’t go her way.

Jan, on the other hand, for the Reds appeared to have missed Bambi whilst he was away in America by constantly fouling him by tackling him from behind and shoving him in the back. Fortunately, Bambi was on his best behaviour, no doubt because young kids were playing on the adjacent pitch and offered no profanities much  to his credit on such occasions.

Final score 5-1 to the Reds and almost everyone retired to the bar balcony for refreshments and banter.

Fast match report by Rory

Welcome back sports fans. Every so often there are truly iconic moments in the world of soccerball: Geoff’s hat-trick in the ’66 Worldie; Madonna’s “hand of god”; Gerry Armstrong’s winner for Norn Iron against Spain in the ’82 World Cup; all surpassed by Dean Windass’s winning volley for the mighty Tigers in the 2008 Championship Play-off Final against Bristol City at Wembley. Well, WFS served up its own iconic footballing moment (no, not Kaj managing to score a goal!) when Keef, who used to be someone, completed a superb hat-trick on the hallowed Polideportivo turf.

Two evenly matched teams slugged it out in searingly hot conditions, so it was hardly surprising that a 99% pass completion rate was boringly played out in front of two strong defences. Something had to give and indeed it was normally reliable defensive duo of Keef and yours truly playing for the reds who gave away the first goal. Just as another plodding blacks attacking move looked about to fall apart Keef and your scribe parted like the red sea to allow Stephen to wander in on goal for the blacks. Steve L in goal for the reds was aghast at the ineptitude of his defenders as Stephen drilled the ball low to his right. A great finish to make it Reds 0-1 Blacks.

The blacks looked solid with a reinvigorated Alvin (I want some of what he’s on) snuffing out every reds’ attack. Big Al was struggling because of a bad back, possibly the result of two many trips through the multiverse resulting in him leaving part of his lumbar in the fifth dimension. Super fit Mats had the touch of Tomas Brolin (before he ate all the pies) and gave the blacks early control of midfield.  Rick started out well as an overlapping wing-back testing out the reds’ left flank. Other than the goal, the first half was like watching a blade of grass grow in the Sahara, slow but ultimately satisfying.

The reds changed things up by moving our Keef up front as a lone striker running the channels. Steve L came out of goal and barked instructions to his teammates “left, no go right, spare man, mark up, get back”. Unfortunately, the frequently changing instructions confounded the gyroscope on Kevo’s hoverboard and he was forced to drop back into goal. Hardly a disadvantage for the reds, given his prowess between the sticks.

Following another inspired run into space on the wing Keef managed to pick out Kaj on the edge of the box. While 90% of the time Kaj (the liquid metal man sent back to the present day by Skynet to kill football) would send the ball wide or miles over the bar, on this occasion he kept his head down and brilliantly side footed it through Mats’ legs to bring a surprise equaliser. Reds 1-1 Blacks. Then it was over to Keef. His first was unspectacular but clinical as he slotted the ball into the bottom corner. Reds 2-1 Blacks. However, the second was a work of pure genius and worthy of the great Ken Wagstaff (The Tigers! The Tigers!!). Keef was brilliantly put through by Dave with only Rick in the blacks’ goal to beat. Rick advanced and narrowed the angle, but with a quick shimmy Rick was down (down, deeper ‘n down) on his arse allowing Keef to chip it over him into the empty net. What a goal. Reds 3-1 Blacks.

The blacks started to fight back with Johnny showing just what a skilful player he was by setting up a string of attacks for his team. Although a number of opportunities presented themselves, Alvin managed to beat Dazza’s long-standing record for how high you could kick the ball over the bar. Kevo was on fine form in goal and pulled off a great save when Stephen was through on goal. In the final quarter, the blacks got a deserved goal when Stephen cut in from the left wing and curled one into the bottom corner to introduce the reds to “squeaky bum time”.  Reds 3-2 Blacks.

As the seconds ticked down to the final whistle the reds hit the blacks on the break when a through ball from Dave was mis-controlled by yours truly and it spun through to Keef on the edge of the box. QPR’s reserve sponge man kept his calm and passed it into the bottom corner to leave the reds with a slightly flattering victory. Reds 4-2 Blacks.

This was a game between two well matched teams which could have gone either way, but the reds were won, partly because of some great goalkeeping from Kevo and Kaj, and a superb hat-trick from the man who used to be someone. Special thanks to John for doing a great job as referee. At the final whistle we all piled into the bar as usual where the conversation focussed on why the commander had recorded five quarters in the game he was reffing.