Benalmadena 24th April

Match Report by Rory

It’s that time of year when lovers of football start to get anxious about relegation, or if you’re a fake fan, your team’s chances of winning the Premiership or the Champions League. As for Spurs and Chelsea, they continue to provide excellent examples of how NOT to run a football club while simultaneously providing lots of clown laughs for the rest of us (honk! Honk!). Of course, it would be remise of this column not to mention the success of Hollywood Steve’s beloved Wrexham, who finally climbed out of the treacherous graveyard for former EFL clubs, the dreaded National League (soon to welcome QPR on their current trajectory). And before we get onto the actual football, I’m sure we’d all like to wish super-striker Ken a belated very happy birthday, what a player.

Well sports fans, it was another brilliant turn out at the stadium of lightweights for another game of pass and don’t move footie. Kevo did a great job of standing in for Breck, taking a leaf of the supreme being’s book by selecting two ill-matched teams to go toe to toe in the searing heat. Kevo didn’t waste his chance and introduced an innovative new rule into the game. 5-touch Ken and a selection of other more experienced ball bashers were going to be allowed as many touches as they needed. This was a great idea and added to the enjoyment of the game. Well done Kevo.

As usual, the first quarter comprised a lot of passing the ball around in midfield, punctuated by the occasional plaintiff call from blacks’s front-man Bambi….”what am I doing here?”, a comment that was to win the philosophical question of the day award at the post-match awards ceremony. As the players started to get a feel for the ball, the reds started to threaten the black’s goal, where goalkeeping legend Kevo had taken up residence. For a big man, he gets down well, and pulled off a series of fine saves when it looked like the reds were bound to score.

Frank had been teamed up with his brother Ian in the red’s midfield and they enabled the team to grab an early territorial advantage. They were up against Duracell powered Keef for the blacks who did his best to cover every blade of grass on the pitch, admonishing his teammates if they didn’t put 110% into the game (Fact check: it’s impossible to put in more than 100%). Anyway, a battle royal raged in midfield with the blacks having Stephen in the hole (usually one he’d dug himself) and Graham providing some nice touches down the right. Up front El Bambino and Ken provided a dynamic duo, who under Kevo’s new rules had a minimum of 10 touches each when they got the ball.

The reds had an equally strong front line with Sonic leading the press supported by Johnny (or G. Jesus to his mates) looking dangerous in an advanced role. At the back for the reds Audrey delivered a typically dominant performance and didn’t hesitate to shove a few old blokes off the ball to clear her lines. Following a series of bookings milky Steve started to show off his skilful side and his ability to set up a number of reds attacks from the back. Just at the point where, even the plastic grass was deciding to grow, the reds had a breakthrough.

Our Frank and his bro’ Ian worked a nice passing move which eventually released shot knees Dave the Cab in space on the edge of the box. Thankful the sight had fully returned to his left eye, the skilful part-time amateur boxer fired the ball into the bottom corner past the mesmerised keeper. Reds 1-0 Blacks.

The blacks were struggling as they couldn’t feed the ball into mercurial frontman Ken thanks to some tight defending from the reds. Kaj could almost be accused of overdoing the pass and move for the blacks. The big Swedish attacking midfielder was doing a good job of finding space and laying off the ball from supporting attackers. However, the blacks couldn’t penetrate the solid red’s defence. Attacking wing-back Boris was showing strongly down the right for the reds and displayed a touch of class with his deft touch and passing ability.

The reds finally got the second goal they deserved when Frank slotted a great ball through to the predatory Sonic on the edge of the box. Like a reincarnation of Robbie Fowler, Sonic forced his way through a crowd of players and toe-poked the ball into the corner of the goal. What a finish! Reds 2-0 Blacks. The first half was capped off with a great finish from your correspondent who, following a great ball from Dave the Cab, unleashed a left-foot pile driver which clipped the bar as it crashed into the net. Reds 3-0 Blacks. By this time Kevo decided that enough was enough and decided to balance up the teams by moving silky skilled Frank over to the blacks. Matters were made worse for the blacks when Stephen had to go off with hamstring twang. However, he was substituted by Villa legend – One Touch Terry, who could pass his way through the traffic on the M6 on a bad day.

Although the reds were under the cosh, the blacks had clearly forgotten to bring their shooting boots, with a number of their shots appearing as UFOs on the Malaga air defence radar. Chief culprit was dynamic Dazza who surpassed his previous record for how high he could kick a ball over the bar.. He was closely followed by Keef, who worked a couple of great openings before deciding to blast the ball into the corner flag.

By this stage, the reds weren’t getting a sniff of the blacks’ goal. In a rare second half attack Dave picked out Jesus on the edge of the box. The big man wasted no time in firing the ball goalwards. As if by magic the defenders parted like the red sea (I know I’m mixing Old and New Testament!) and the ball rocketed into the bottom corner of the net. Reds 4-0 Blacks. To compound matters for the blacks, key creative force Frank was forced off with calf twang following a tussle with his bro’ Ian (who swears he never touched him). This was possibly retribution from Ian after Frank had pulled off a brilliant save to deny his older bro’ a superb goal (ah well, that’s sibling rivalry).

The fourth goal took the wind out of the blacks sails and John the fireman finally called time on the game. Thanks to John for doing a great job of refereeing the game and curtailing the runners. As always, the game was played in a great spirit. Following the final whistle, the guys repaired to the bar to celebrate Ken’s birthday with the aid of some liquid refreshment.