Benalmadena 20th April

Match Report by Rory

As most of you know, this column has been recommended as a treatment for insomnia and constipation by the Spanish Health Board. The author disclaims any knowledge of anything…..

Regular followers of this column will know that your correspondent rarely documents that the best team lost. But on this occasion, I’ll make a rare exception. Our Keef (who used to be someone) was on the precipice when his ponderously poor west London Toffs team “Queens” Park Rangers were dangling over the oblivion that is League 1. Or in old money, the third Division. The nurturing band of inept ball bashers collectively decided they needed to lift our Keef out of his cup half full, relegation torpor and raise his spirits. And sure enough, the blacks decided to put inept Stephen in goal in the hope that our poor Keef would score a goal.

However, the rest of his team weren’t in on the rescue mission and didn’t pass to him because deep down, they knew how crap he was at footie. The blacks knew they would have to work extra hard to create some clear-cut chances for the psychologically challenged football wannabee. True to form, supreme (but missing the obvious) being, Breck pushed out a couple of ill matched teams. Despite the overwhelming odds, the blacks knew they would have to take a 3 year degree course in acting and theatre studies to make Keef’s goals look genuine. Thanks to their dedication, there was one less suicide on the Costa as our Keef romped home with a brace…..(Meanwhile, 30 minutes earlier…). The blacks knew what they had to achieve. With bungling Stephen in goal they were off to a good start. Freeloading Celtic supporters Alan and milky Steve formed a strong defensive paring with running / not walking Klaus playing left wing-back. Hollywood dreamer and Wrexham victim Steve played left attacking midfield and did a great job of supporting the worst attack since Wales played at the last World Cup with retro legend Gareth Bale-Out.

Mercurial Dazza was making a welcome return and hoping that the Irish could launch their first low orbit satellite on the back of one of his attempted shots on goal. Your correspondent was playing a deep lying midfield role. Backed up by milky Steve who recently won the prize for the most mistimed tackles in a season, narrowly beating Plymouth Pete by the size of a worn-down stud. Alan was making a welcome return to the fake footballers and slotted into the left wing-back role. Terminator 3 Kaj killed three humanoids as he linked up well with the front line of El Bambino and super-charged toe punter Dave the Bee.

The reds looked strong, with Lev Yasin wonder keeper Kevo starting out in midfield but primed to move into goal when aged limbs tired. “They shall not pass” Audrey makes Norman Hunter look like Phillip Schofield and made her stamp (literally!!) on the game. Desperate for promotion Plymouth Pete ensured the reds had a “robust” defence…..or in English, a bunch of dirty bastards! Midfield saw the return of God! Jesus! John Hudson. What can you say, at least he wasn’t wearing 6 inch studs and going over the ball. Alongside the whirling dervish Keef, this meant the reds had an energetic, if somewhat deranged midfield. Underrated cage fighter and part time cab driver Dave played the Diego Silva role on the left for the reds, scaring the opposition with his blood shot zombie eye. “We can rebuild him” reconstructed 33^rd team Luton reserve goalkeeper Steve Loasby took the first quarter in goal while whacking some WD40 on his metal joints. One touch Mick played up front with 5 touch Ken to complete what was on paper, an imposing team of skilful ball bashers.

Sure enough, the first quarter of the game didn’t quite reach the heights of watching paint dry. Surely these guys had been watching too many replays of Spain in the World Cup! Anyway, for your correspondent, it was all a bit of a blur, with not a lot happening apart from the blacks firming up their plan to enable sad Keef to score some goals to boost his mental health. Fascist referee Breck made some tough statements about stamping down on running, but like most fascist governments, failed to deliver on his aspirations. However, his quirky and idiosyncratic decisions opened the way for the blacks’ theatrical troupe to create a chance for Keef to score a goal. With lazer eye-balled terminator Kaj playing a blinder the blacks’ defence parted like the red sea to present Keef with a gold plated chance. Unfortunately, highly skilful cage fighter Dave the cab swept in and calmly deposited the ball in the bottom corner of the goal, inadvertently adding to Keef’s misery. The blacks knew they had to step up their game if they were going to deliver some “on a plate” goals for two left feet Keef. Reds 1-0 Blacks.

Sure enough, the blacks played like they had no idea how to control the ball and thanks to years of theatrical training were able to present the ball to Keef in front of goal, with no defender within a mile of him. Sure enough, Keef passed the ball into the net, while the blacks Oscar winning acting troupe pretended, they couldn’t do anything to stop it. Reds 2-0 Blacks. The blacks were feeling bad because our Keef had only scored one goal and that wouldn’t be enough to help him to recover from the fact that QPR were going to finish below Rotherham in the Championship. Sure enough the latest winners of the Palme D’or Acting prize managed to ensure Keef was given a golden opportunity to score. Klause (winner of the best supporting actor prize), managed to ensure he was out of the goal when the blacks conspired to bobble the ball into Keef’s path in front of an open goal. Well, even Keef couldn’t miss, and he passed the ball into the empty net.

With the primary task completed, the blacks launched into a full-on attack on the reds goal. Unfortunately, they hadn’t reckoned on Lev Yashin Kevo pulling off a string of amazing saves to keep the reds in the game. The save of the match came when Dazza released one of his shots which Kevo pirouetted to brilliantly deflect past the post. In his enthusiasm to score Dazza had inadvertently taken out one of Elon Musk’s Space X rockets shortly after take-off. Tank God Mr Biden’s a true Oirishman.  As the blacks pressed for a goal, dodgy ref Breck awarded a penalty to the Royal Shakespeare Company. El Bambino stepped forward, offering Kevo the soliloquy from Hamlet before drilling the ball to Kevo’s right. Unfortunately, the super keeper had recently taken up a course in Juggling with the ambition of joining the local circus. The aspiring circus act brilliantly juggled the ball between himself and the post before throwing the ball into his own net. The dubious goals committee will have to decide the outcome of that in due course. Final Score Reds 3-1 Blacks. Keef wasn’t happy with scoring a couple, and in his desperation, nearly sent milky Steve to the local field hospital by blasting the ball into his face at point blank range. However, Milky Steve stuck to the script realising it was for the greater good and our Keef needed the support of the team. Credit where credit’s due the blacks acting troupe have secured a contract for Tom Cruise’s new Mission Impossible Movie, after making Keef believe he had actually scored those goals. Well done guys!

Having achieved a successful outcome and cheered up the man who used to be someone, the lads retired to the bar to discuss the existential crisis facing the planet following the well documented decline in the bee population.