Benalmadena 19th May

Fast Farts report by Rory, Slow farts report by the Commander

FF Report – Reds 2 Blacks 0

The teams looked evenly matched in the FF game, and sure enough the first three quarters of play yielded many chances, but no goals. This could have been because both defences had built a barn door in front of their goals and neither attack was capable of hitting the side of it. The reds had Eddie, the reincarnation of the legendary Archie Gemmill, cutting in from the left and creating multiple chances for himself and his teammates. Fair to say, the keepers were hardly troubled, even though both teams had a plethora of attacking talent on show.

Hans for the reds was a revelation with his new “soccer shoes” (Decathlon 99 Euro) cleverly disrupting the blacks fluid team play and cutting off the ball supply from the blacks legendary playmaker Terry, to his eager frontmen big Al and Alan. Rotherham Libero Kevo, kept things tight at the back for the blacks supported by (“old man’s calf”) Rory, hoping that his muscles and joints would hold together for the duration of the match.  German wunderkind Olaf started in goal for the blacks. Both teams set out their stalls (the blacks were selling second hand CDs, the reds a rare back collection of the Beano) which pretty quickly cancelled each other out. An outside observer would have found more excitement in watching the plastic grass grow.

However, help was at hand and Hamid started to combine well with the tireless Eddie and Johan the flying Swede pin pointed team mates with his precise long-range passes. The intense heat must have fused Hans’ internal cabling as the athletic late tackler bludgeoned his way through the blacks’ defence and was nicely fed the ball by Hamid. Whereas 99 times out of 100 the Dutch destroyer would have missed the goal, his shiny new “soccer shoes” (Decathlon 99 Euro) switched to auto pilot and steered the ball into the bottom corner past Alan’s despairing dive. All were stunned by the fact that someone had managed to put the ball in the back of the net and it was now game on! Reds 1-0 blacks.

The stunned blacks stepped up the pace but struggled to break through the tight reds’ defence despite the best efforts of big Al with his ability to be everywhere at once in the multiverse. James was having a solid game in midfield for the reds, working with Glyn to close down any embryonic black advances.  However, with Kevo changing into 5^th gear on his hoverboard the blacks continued to press hard for an equaliser, always mindful of the ability of Hamid and Johan to release the predatory wizard Eddie up front.

As the clock ticked down, James broke up yet another attack and bore down on the blacks’ goal. Before he could be closed down he managed to fire off a great shot which Alan did well to block. However, as luck would have it, who should the ball fall to but deadly Eddie, who was patrolling the edge of the box. The wee man wasted no time in smacking his laces through the ball past Alan and seal the game for the reds. Final score Reds 2-0 Blacks. A keenly fought game which was just about edged by the reds with Eddie deservedly taking man of the match.

HAT-TRICK MAN KEN ROLLS BACK THE YEARS

SF Game – BLACKS 6 versus REDS 3

On yet another scorching May morning necessitating numerous water stops for the ‘Old Farts’ soon to become octogenarian Ken Knowles turned the  clock back more than 50 years to put in a scintillating performance scoring his first 2 goals for the Reds within the first five minutes. His long baggy trousers with socks pulled up to his knees being so reminiscent of the attire worn by the late great Sir Stanley Mathews a boyhood school friend of his dad all those years ago.

Dazza a modern day fatter version of Frannie Lee pulled a goal back after 10 minutes for the Blacks with a pile driver of a shot when Keef playing ‘rush’ goalie was caught out of his goal area.

Shortly afterwards the ‘Crocodile from Dundee’ equalised, albeit it was hard not too with Keef yet again going walk about leaving an empty net. The Blacks scored two more goals from Graham and Dazza to lead 4-2 helped considerably by having an extra player, this was somewhat counter balanced however by Keef trying to mentor newbie referee John B.

Then ‘boy wonder’ Ken finished off a fine move to get his first ever walking football hat-trick, absolutely brilliant. Dazza not to be outdone scored another belter of a goal for the Blacks to get his hat-trick in a style reminiscent of the ex Man City legend. 5-3 to the Blacks.

Dave the Brentford 🐝 scored late on to make it 6-3 to the Blacks which on reflection was perhaps an unfair score line for what had been a thoroughly enjoyable game.

Referee Mr Blackman blew his whistle two minutes early, obviously thinking the Old Farts were knackered and most definitely not listening to Keef who would have undoubtedly played extra minutes in addition to making numerous  dodgy decisions until his team at the very least would have equalised.

Finally in his last game for some months Gualtieri Nogler aka Walter the Nog had his best game for a while in midfield, cleverly cajoled by Keef the latter whom worked his socks off trying to keep the Reds in the match undoubtedly got the best out of Walter. The Nog, Austrian by birth, with German ancestry, with an Italian passport and a Welsh wife will after visiting her in the Gower Peninsula be then going to Verona and onto Morocco where he will be doing much good charitable work there. Stay safe Walter and we all hope to see you late summer or early Autumn.