Benalmadena 18th April

Match report by Rory

Reporting from the young farts game where the players went full “Radio Rentals” and the blacks couldn’t be saved by Keef’s arbitrary application of Fergie Time. Like the latest Tarentino movie, this report won’t be in sequence, partly because your intrepid correspondent had too many beers after the game. ‘Nuff said. The reds started with a player advantage, but the blacks had the usually impenetrable Breck as a fly goalie so it looked like a fair match-up. With the cool Mr Loasby in possession of the whistle, it was bound to be a fair free-flowing game, and indeed it was.

Everyone’s favourite Villain Terry went full Peter Withe up front for the blacks, being the focal point for the blacks’ attacks and holding the ball up well before unleashing a series of assaults on the reds’ goal. Kevo as usual was using his hoverboard to get about the pitch and gliding effortlessly between the lines to keep the moves flowing. The blacks had the calm assurance of Gary at the back to organise their defence.

The reds looked solid with Peter making a welcome return and deploying a phalanx of “Steves” across the midfield. Thankfully, Dazza 2.0 had re-programmed Carlos Alberto and displayed an array of short and long-range passing which kept the reds on the front foot. Dave the Owl had his usual roaming role (because his sat nav wasn’t working).

While the blacks had the early territorial advantage, thanks to Terry’s pivotal performance up front, and Johan the flying Swede’s penetrative passing and moving game, the reds remained solid and repelled the early speculative attacks. In fact, Rory the injury prone plastic paddy didn’t have to make one save for the reds in the first quarter. The Steves put together some great passing moves for the reds (Stephen to Steve to Steve through to Steve up front….for f**k sake someone change their name!!)

Anyway, to cut an even longer story short, somehow, the blacks lost the ball while their keeper Breck was marauding down the right wing, leaving Steve the chef to slot the ball home from a tight angle into an empty goal. 1-0 to the reds. The twinkle toed gastro-footballer was on a roll, and with the change of ends came another chance for him to bury the blacks. Sure enough to the surprise of his team-mates the usually profligate number nine calmly dinked the ball over the advancing keeper to give the reds a deserved 2-0 lead. The reds looked solid, with milky Steve providing some assured touches at the back and setting up some of the reds’ best moves.

Unfortunately, Dazza 2.0 had been reprogrammed with a dodgy Russian chip, which short-circuited and forced Dazza to play a ball across his goal, thereby accidentally presenting Villa’s finest with an opportunity to open his legs and show his class by coolly slotting the ball past the advancing reds’ keeper. All of a sudden, it was game on. The reds were shaken, but not stirred, and the Owl was in his element, looking for the merest chink in the blacks’ defence. Sure enough the Wednesday false number nine ghosted into some space on the right flank, and then shimmied as if auditioning for Strictly before slotting the ball into the far corner. Surely game over. However, the reds hadn’t reckoned on some Fergie skulduggery, with Italian Mafia sponsored referee Keef replacing FA validated Steve Loasby to take the game into a last perilous 20 minutes.

Big Stephen came into his element with his languid style complementing the no-nonsense Peter in a dominant reds’ midfield. However, the strangely complacent reds were caught out by a classic route 1 ball through to the flying Swede following a spot of controversy at the other end. The ruthless Swede didn’t need to think twice, after seeing an element of uncertainty in milky Steve’s face, he tucked the ball into the corner. Reds 3-2 Blacks. The blacks were showing greater confidence culminating in Terry nutmegging the bandy-legged Rory to set up a chance for the ice-cold Swede to blast into the side-netting.

With Keef manipulating the game with his false “Spirit of the Game Russian Bot narrative” the blacks increasingly threatened the reds’ goal, although to be fair, they couldn’t hit the side of a barn door. With Keef’s determination to manipulate a draw, the game went into 53 minutes of extra time before Rory and Peter worked a good move down the right, releasing Stephen in an advanced role. His low shot squirmed under Gary’s despairing dive and over the line (confirmed by the WFS goal-line technology).

A fine finish to the game which wouldn’t have been possible without the great contribution of Keef and Steve Loasby with their brilliant refereeing.

At the close of play the lads headed off to the bar to discuss the current existential crisis facing the world and whether Tina Turner’s hair was real.