Benalmadena 14th March

Match report by Rory 

Stealth Technology comes to Walking Football.

Welcome soccerball fans to the Walking Football / running football indoors at the Polideportivo. Serious shout out to all the ageing guys who made it to the ground through the historic deluge to put in a shift of bif baf knockabout Pep tikka takka bollocks footie. Once again, the aged players were thankful to Keef for using his super-negotiating skills to get the boys into the indoor gym circa 1968. The boys had a good early workout on the gym bars before an afterschool detention.

Surprisingly, super Keef didn’t give us a lecture about not delivering a tibia / fibia breaking tackle, but the guys recognised the sticky surface could lead to some serious knee wobble and played accordingly. The black bibs had the rule bending Hungarian wizard Johnny leading the line, with a strong defensive foundation of “big” Frank summoning up the ghost of David O’Leary and closing down any attacks. The blacks started out with Billy the Fish in between the sticks, Lisbon Lion Steve languidly playing at the back, Glyn playing wide on the left, and ready Breck taking up a solid bustling centre forward role up front. Sick note Rory wafted about in midfield being careful to avoid a blade of grass.

The reds looked good on paper (Editor: no don’t make that same joke about blah blah – snip!). Anyway, with the super-energetic quasi-running Keef and the super languid cool passing Manuel playing through midfield, the reds looked like they were up for it. The reds were strengthened by a Welsh front-row of Steve and John, with the ever-dangerous Dave the Owl drifting in between the lines to open up the blacks’ defence. With the Commander being the midfield pivot and Simon going for it with his silky left foot, it looked like a well matched game. And of course, the game was made a super spectacle thanks to the supreme refereeing calm from Government Sanctioned Chelsea supporter Steve Loasby, who’s cool approach really enhanced the game.

As usual, there was some early tentative play resulting in f**kall happening for the first 15 minutes. However, the blacks’ total football approach eventually exposed the reds’ backline with a great goal from the ghost of Puscas. The mercurial “running” Hungarian will be sadly missed. The reds were not down-hearted and Manual provided some nice passes from deep to slot Yorkshire’s finest, Dave into some great goalscoring positions. Unfortunately, the usually prolific tyke, couldn’t deliver when it mattered most. Glyn was linking up well with the Johnny to provide some  attacking penetration down the left. But there was no way past Keef who covered the ground like a super-charged Ngolo Kante.

Sick-note Rory had a few shots wide of a barn door to the despair of his team mates but they did not despair, and their persistent gengenpressing resulted in the mishap goal of the season. To the horror of the watching hoards, the Owl tidied up at the back before calmly back-healing the ball into the empty net with some clown goalkeeping from the Commander who was wandering about aimlessly on the edge of the box. For those who witnessed this catastrophe, time stood still as the ball trickled into the goal.

Humiliation all round as the blacks went 2-0 up. The blacks looked impregnable with big Frank sweeping up at the back. The reds mounted wave after wave of attack with the Owl always looking dangerous and firing in a few long range shots. With the increasingly frail Keef going in goal the blacks had a series of shots which were brilliantly repelled by QPR’s number 1.

With the two Welsh wizards, Steve and John providing plenty of energy going forward, the blacks were thankful for some solid defensive play from Frank and the Fish, who had drifted out to the right flank. Simon always looked dangerous upfront and as well as leaving some stud marks on the opposition defenders, always found some space between the blacks’ well organised defence. The turning point of an exciting game came when the lights literally went out. At this point the blacks went “full stealth” and took advantage of their dark BIBS! Due to budget cuts, the reds didn’t have enough infra-red goggles to track the blacks’ fluid passing and movement resulting in a hat full of goals past the hapless Keef.

Hats off to goal scorers Johnny, Rory, Steve, and Breck for taking advantage of the latest stealth technology and scoring some great goals. The dubious goals committee ruled Rory’s goal to be an own goal after the plastic Paddy’s attempt was sailing well wide before being deflected into the goal by Manual. Breck changed sides and had the dubious honour of scoring for both sides. The normally super-goalie proved himself to be a prolific scorer by slotting in a goal for both teams. Despite some great attacking play from the reds. they couldn’t penetrate the resilient blacks’ defence, superbly marshalled by Steve who stepped up when big Frank had to leave the pitch. The blacks finally won 6-1 although the score was harsh on the intrepid reds.

Special mention to Keef for enabling us to play on such a horrendous day, and Steve Loasby who did a great job of refereeing the game and making the whole morning a much better experience. Well played to everyone.