3rd June

Match 1 report by Rory

Welcome to the Argument Clinic….

It was another beautiful day at the Poli and the man who used to be someone and became someone again, opened his magic algorithm and conjured up a couple of tough tackling teams with supreme tic a tac a footballing skills. And while there was plenty of skill on show, both teams took fewer prisoners than the Japanese after the battle of Yamazaki on July 2, 1582. Those of you familiar with this victory will know that one side was wearing red and the other black. What could possibly go wrong?

Rick popped into goal first up for the reds who had an abundance of robust defenders, chief among them being “relegation near-miss” Pete and running optical illusion Alvin. As you know, Alvin’s running / walking style was sent off to the Madrid gait analysis unit to clear up any uncertainty about whether he was running all the time. The results of comprehensive tests have proved beyond all doubt that people with short legs only look like they’re running, and that contrary to what it looks like, they are in fact walking.  Kaj (the T800 version) was playing just behind key conjurer Glyn up front. Rory was tucked into a midfield holding role with little Al doing a Gnonto.

Running not walking Dave was leading the blacks, but he had his hands full with debate inspiring maverick Steve playing upfront, and Mr Angry Dazza adding to what was already a tinder box environment. The temperature was dialled down a notch with the calming presence of pigs in wardrobes specialist Olaf, but it wasn’t going to be easy, with tough tackling Paul Reaney roustabout Tim, tucked in at full-back. The blacks had some tasty footballing flair to call upon thanks to Jonny and Gert, and their ability to pick a good pass.

The reds started out the stronger with some nice passing movements albeit a good 20 metres from the blacks’ goal. The first quarter ended with a classy goal from Glyn. Following a nice pass through from Rory and despite having half a dozen keys randomly stuffed in his shoes, the big man managed to perform a nice turn on the edge of the box and skelp the ball past the unsuspecting keeper. Reds 1-0 Blacks.

Neither keeper was really troubled, and for the reds the normally prolific T800’s gyroscope had been severely corroded after a heavy session the night before. His numerous wayward shots were punctuated by a series of expletives, which fortunately, none of us could understand…..Fan i helvete! Vafaan! Skit! And that old favourite Horunge! Anyway, it didn’t help him score any goals.

Just as it looked like the reds were going to hold on for a pretty dull 1-0 victory, Steve conjured up a series of debates starting with the overhead height rule, sidling into the tackle from behind, with a sprinkling of running not walking banter. This was enough to tip Dazza into a firestorm of rage and the game into a series of bolshy arguments, punctuated by the occasional burst of football. This precipitated a bit of Olivia Newton-John (let’s get physical etc), and one or two tackles which would have warranted a bit of VAR. It wasn’t really end to end, as neither team managed to get quite to the end given the solid nature of both defences and the size of Dave the cab’s arse which on at least two occasions stopped the ball for hitting the target.

Dazza, who’s stomach looks remarkably like his hands was pulled up for a couple of deliberate hand balls and was lucky to stay on the pitch when he broke up one of the more promising red attacks with his belly/ hand. However, he redeemed himself with a great give and go with Steve before toe poking the ball into the goal while running (sorry, walking) at full speed. It was a great finish, and at least we could be thankful it stopped him from complaining to the imaginary referee for 2 minutes. Reds 1-1 Blacks

Although the reds tried to grab the lead again, the blacks defence was rock solid with a special mention for fullback Tim and Dave the Cab who managed to snuff out any embryonic attacks. The game eventually ended in a 1-1 draw which was a fair result in what was a competitive and hard-fought game. At the end, half of the players headed off to the local casualty department while the others headed to the Stupa for some much-needed meditation.

Match 2 report by Geoff

Like a magic lollipop which keeps getting bigger with every lick, the numbers at the Polideportivo are increasing with very game in recent weeks. On Monday Keef arranged two matches, one eight a side and the other 7 aside, making 30 players in number.

However, a late arrival and not wishing to disappoint anyone from playing meant that Keef had  to juggle the teams around. In many ways, the latter is just as bad as someone not turning up to play when trying to balance the teams.

In view of the aforementioned, the Reds had the extra player, although Keef changed sides at the first  break with one of the black bib players in an endeavour to balance the teams.

Once again playing unlimited touches, meant John aka Fireman Sam had an easier time refereeing, other than giving free kicks against the persistent runners. With the smaller goals and pitch playing 8/9 aside this undoubtedly made it difficult to score, as reflected in the first three sessions remaining goalless. Both teams squandering numerous charges to score, none more so than Bambi for the Reds.

Prima donna that he isn’t, nor a Foden, he never troubled the Blacks goal at anytime with his shooting prowess.

In the closing minutes, H playing rush keeper for the Reds was left totally exposed to three advancing players in Black bibs.

Coming out of his area in an endeavour to try and thwart the advancing marauders, he was cleverly lobbed by the Owl, the ball going over his head into the back of an empty net.

1-0 to Blacks at FT.

For the Reds El Tel worked tirelessly in midfield, ably assisted by Martin.

Likewise so did Kevo and Dodri for the Blacks and the Owl was always threat upfront.