4th December

Match report by Rory

Walking Football, a metaphor for life: discuss….

After writing over 80 match reports, your friendly local match reporter has identified a series of truisms about the game. They are, in no particular order:

1. It’s very clear that others are running but I can’t tell when I am;
2. The referee is always wrong when he gives a decision against my team;
3. The teams are always unbalanced in favour of the opposition;
4. I don’t mind kicking a pensioner but don’t like being kicked;
5. They’re to blame, not me.

As you all know, every walking footballer adopts these five rules and is only able to become a reasonable human being again when the final whistle blows. Proof, if proof were needed of the existence of group psychosis. So, bearing that in mind, the game started off well with the blacks complaining that the teams were unbalanced and that the reds were running too much. WTF!!

Fireman John, having refereed more games than he would care to remember was subjected to the usual cries of disbelief and angst about his decision making. Of course, when the decision went with you it was all hunky-dorey. Stephen was desperately trying to restore his reputation as the fairest player on the pitch after some recent setbacks and made a pretty good fist of it.

Meanwhile the reds had Martin Chivers avatar Nigel playing up front, supported by 5-touch Ken sweeping in from the left flank. The reds were confident with Alan playing on the wing and Gary backed up by libero Fred. Yours truly started out between the sticks. The blacks had our Keef playing deep with ten-minute argument Stephen up front backed up by his arguing apprentice Han in midfield. Ian was sitting comfortably on the left flank for the blacks with goal poacher Sonic hovering on the edge of the penalty area. Super keeper Breck took on the goalie gloves after realising his right knee was less stable than a jelly taking a ride with the red devils aero display team. The odds looked slightly in favour of the reds, and we all knew this would give the blacks plenty to winge about as the game progressed.

The early exchanges were polite, yet ineffective, with damaged fingered Rory pulling off a couple of early saves. Fred was having a stormer at the back and calmly closed down a number of blacks attacks. Gary was steady as long as his left hip held out. With the rest of them clunking about on the pitch, it was as Orthopaedic Surgeon’s dream. Nigel was having a bit of a mare until he suddenly sprung into life…form is temporary, but class is permanent dear readers, and sure enough the big striker was peppering the opposition goal with a hint of tabasco. The reds had soon established a deserved lead with goals from Nigel and the deadly Alan. The reds were soon into a comfortable 4-0 lead. This was despite Ken having had 153 shots on target without scoring. Breck was on fine form and had his hands and arms replaced at the midway point. It was only a matter of time (well, infinite time) before Ken finally bagged his well deserved goal, cutting in from the left, and with his 154^th attempt, blasting it past Breck into the top corner. And breath…..

With Fred dropping into goal, the blacks fancied their chances of pulling some goals back. However, Fred stood up to the challenge and pulled off a number of remarkable saves to deny Sonic and our Keef. However, the blacks finally broke through with a great strike from our Keef, who had looked increasingly dangerous in a more advanced position. Fred did his best to deflect the ball round the post but at full stretch could only fingertip the ball into the net. The reds were having none of it and brought Fred out of goal to shore up the defence with Gary taking on the gloves. The relentless pace was beginning to tell on the blacks, with Stephen struggling after a month away sorting out the finances of the Balkans. The Olympic Gold Medal debater was breathing heavily, although that was because he was backing into Nigel when he received the ball. Oooh missus!

Anyway, back to the football. The reds sealed the deal with a couple of brilliant strikes, firstly from Nigel from an impossibly tight angle high into the net, followed by a great long-range effort into the top corner from Alan. The blacks manfully kept going and got some reward following a bit of comical defending from the reds which allowed Stephen to smash the ball past Gary, who up to then had had a great game. Final Score Reds 6-3 Blacks. Meanwhile, back in the bar there was nothing but sweetness and light.