Benalmadena11th May

Slow farts Match Report by Geoff

REDS ….2 versus BLACKS ….3

Yet another excellent turn out at the Polideportivo again necessitating two games having to be played.

As the score suggests the geriatrics in the old farts game was closely contested and surprisingly on occasions produced some excellent 3 touch passing and excellent defending.

The game opened in a controversial fashion with Martyn for the Blacks narrowly encroaching his goal area conceding a penalty much to Bambi’s delight.

Not surprisingly Bambi for the Reds seized the opportunity to grab the ball to score from the spot, in fairness hitting an unstoppable low shot into the corner of the small net giving Fish in goal no chance.

Due to yet another no show the Reds had a player short so were playing with a rush goalie yet despite this handicap still had the better of the opening exchanges.

Just before the first water break old stager and goal poacher supreme Ken for the Blacks equalised scoring one of his typical opportunist goals taking advantage of being left completely unmarked blasting the ball past the aptly named Dave ‘the bus’  in goal. This did not go down well with Bambi bemoaning the fact that the Reds we’re having to play with a man short.

At the start of the second session Welsh Steve following a flowing passing move put the Reds back in front.

No complaints this time from Bambi!

2-1 to the Reds.

Within minutes Graham showing nimble feet and ball control despite his girth equalised for the Blacks with a well placed shot past Mike the crocodile from Dundee.

On 30 minutes just before the next water break Graham again scored for the Blacks following what turned out to be a controversial refereeing decision by H. The latter awarded a throw in to the Blacks after Boris for the Reds with the ball almost certainly going out of play didn’t allow it to fully cross the touchline before tapping it out of play himself and then attempting to take a quick throw in. The fact that it subsequently turned out to be the winning goal for the Blacks only added further fuel to the debate afterwards and even more angst from Bambi against H. Both players were reminded of the rule of playing to the referee’s whistle.

The heat of the day would appear to have taken its toll on most of the geriatrics as there was no further scoring in the last two sessions with both teams squandering chances.

For the Reds Audrey was her normal energetic self ably supported  by Welsh Steve with the Milky Bar Kids silky skills and Graham the best for the Blacks.

Fast farts Match Report by Rory

The game at the Poli-put-the-kettle-on, had another great turnout and the Commander and Breck took an executive decision to run a fast and slow game. Your regular scriber was in the fast game which was tighter than a hamster’s sphincter. Life is full of surprises and sure enough Breck sprung another one by picking two well matched teams in the “fast” game. The blacks were quick to agree on a formation – of sorts. Duct tape knee Garry had a free roaming role up front, closely supported by Hey-soos John playing in the hole that he’d dug himself. Ballymena hardman Laurie slotted into midfield, and had already recused himself from the Geneva Convention….that boy was not going to be taking any prisoners! Avril Lavingne hoverboard hero Kevo took the libero role at the back with panic at the disco Al playing wide right off the pitch. Cub reporter Rory donned the gloves for the first quarter.

Meanwhile, the reds had an impressive line-up albeit a tad like Man City circa season 2021/22. A swarm of midfielders but no striker. Duracell Keef took up his usual position of playing anywhere he fancied. Wee Eddie was a bit Phil Foden and drifted right to left when the fancy took him. Eddie’s wand of a left foot always presented a risk when bearing down on goal. The reds had a solid defence with Pete, Plymouth’s answer to Razor Ruddock, ensuring that no-one would pass, certainly not with all their limbs intact. Total football Han went a bit Wesley Sneijder and started to effortlessly knock the ball about in midfield. Meanwhile, part-time amateur cage fighter Dave, slotted into his favourite position on the left ensuring he was the next cab off the rank. Alan did the honours in goal for the first session.

Sure enough, everyone was so keen to show they could do one-touch passing which meant that the first quarter was less entertaining than watching grass grow. Fair play to the reds, they did manage to unleash a few shots on your one-armed scribe in goal, but remarkably, the agile pen man was able to repel a few shots. Particularly pleasing for your match transcriber was thwarting Keef who was through one-on-one on two occasions but failed to score! Chuffing useless. Anyway, the first quarter was a bore draw. The second quarter saw hover-board Kevo dropping into goal, where he has legendary status for repelling all shots. Hard-tackling Pete dropped between the sticks for the reds which meant they weren’t quite as tight at the back. Sure enough, a quick free kick from Hey-soos found quill man Rory on the edge of the box. Just as Pete in the red’s goal was shouting, “I can’t see”, the ball was firing under his foot and into the net. Fortunate goal but Blacks 1-0 Reds.

The reds surged forward with some great passing between Keef, Eddie and total football Han. However, as if there was an invisible forcefield, they didn’t know what to do when they got in front of goal, choosing to make one more pass instead of sending in a howitzer to test out Kevo. Dave got the Dazza award for scoring the most Gaelic football points by sending in a few shots which never troubled the peripheral vision of the keeper. The blacks started to hit the reds on the break, with 80’s DJ Al providing some width on the left and setting up some opportunities for profligate Garry. Eventually, Garry’s goal hanging for the blacks paid off when Hey-soos put him through on goal. Having missed the previous 10 sitters, the striker finally converted one and drilled the ball into the bottom corner to give the blacks an uneasy 2-0 lead.

While our Keef had generally had a solid game, he excelled himself when he took the gloves for the reds in the third quarter. The geriatric QPR fan and Celtic supporters club infiltrator pulled off a series of good saves to thwart the smooth attacking moves of the blacks. The highlight of the game came when your pen man burst through on goal, an as the ball bounced up, he volleyed it goalward. Amazingly, our Keef hurled himself toward the top corner, arched his back and acrobatically clawed the ball wide for a corner.

The last quarter saw another great goalkeeping performance from Pat Jennings in goal for the blacks as the reds made one final, desperate attempt to hit the net. Laurie made at least three great saves to secure a valuable clean sheet for the blacks. Final score Blacks 2-0 Reds. A tight game with some excellent football by all concerned. Following the game, the lads went to the bar to celebrate Eddie’s 65^th with a few extra jarra’s of the local brew. Cheers Eddie!