Benalmadena 17th April

Match Report by Rory

Welcome sports fans. After a series of (very) late withdrawals the walking toe-pokers welcomed Klaus and Frank to the hallowed Polideportivo polyethylene turf. Despite having had plenty of practice, Breck still seems incapable of picking two evenly matched teams. Ok, he couldn’t possibly have known how good Glaswegian wonderkind Frank was, and that his languid movement and passing would be reminiscent of legendary Bobby Murdoch. However, the blacks looked strong all round. Up front they had a great combination of inspirational team leader Bambi, supported by the energetic Sonic. Hoverboard enthusiast Kevo started out in goal and had a strong defence in front of him, led by overlapping wing-back Boris supported by milky Steve (they shall not pass) and yours truly sitting in a holding role, although what he was holding has not yet come to light.

Dave the cab was sporting a nice black eye following a debate about a disputed move at his Sunday night chess club (knight to pawn 3?). However, with one good eye he was able to make some foraging runs down the left wing. Cool as you like and supreme being Breck sat on the left of midfield linking up well Bambi and Sonic.

Keef didn’t look happy with the balance of the teams and would let anyone know about it who was prepared to listen (erm precisely no-one). The reds took the extraordinarily risky decision to put Gary Sprake error strewn Stephen in goal. However, they had rock solid Audrey at the back, possibly having her best match of the season and thoroughly deserving her person of the match award. Alongside her was first to the tackle Plymouth Pete, whose timely interceptions kept the game tight. The Fish took up his usual right back position giving the reds a solid look at the back. Rick was playing deeper (‘n down) than his usual position and could call upon debutant Klaus down the left, with the big man regularly forgetting that you weren’t supposed to run. Wrexham dreamer Steve sat in midfield with whirling dervish Keef buzzing around covering all corners of the pitch and barking instructions at those he felt were not pulling their weight (of which there was a considerable amount on show). Meanwhile Dave S played a sound midfield role , linking up well with the dynamic duo of 5 touch Ken and one touch Mick. Well between them I guess it’s an average of three touches.

As expected the blacks dominated the early exchanges and laid siege to the reds’ goal, with walking football’s most flaky goalkeeper between the sticks. However, libero Audrey comfortably held the attacks at bay, and when the blacks’ forwards did break through successfully failed to hit the barn door strategically placed in front of the reds’ goal. The first quarter ended in stalemate with the blacks wondering why they weren’t 3 goals up.

The second quarter took a surprising turn when the reds took the lead thanks to some nice build up play involving Pete and Stephen, who had sensibly come out of goal. Following some good interplay Wrexham dreamer Steve banged to goal home, imagining he was scoring the winner against Notts County and securing the National League title. Reds 1-0 Blacks. Once the blacks had recovered from the shock, their fluid pass and move football soon started to open up more chances. The standout player was new boy Frank, who created a lot of openings with his nice passing game. Sure enough the ball broke free on the edge of the box and Rory’s big toe prodded it into the far corner past the static Mick who was auditioning for one of those living statue roles you often see in the centre of Malaga. With Audrey and Pete remaining solid at the back, the reds looked at least worthy of a point. However, it wasn’t to be and laser toed Dave gave the blacks the lead following another passage of geometric passing and moving. Reds 1-2 Blacks.

As Stephen moved further forward the blacks were able to hear more clearly his running commentary on the game. Sure enough he talked his way into a few openings but unsurprisingly shaved both posts using a conveniently discarded Gillette Mach 3 razor. The reds were finally killed off by another great goal from supreme being Breck who has mysteriously struck a rich vein of goalscoring form.

After a hard fought game the lads retired to the bar to discuss Keef’s change of footballing allegiance from the blue hoops of west London to the green hoops of Glasgae Celtic.

Final score Reds 1-3 Blacks.