Benalmadena 30th March

Match Report by Rory

WFS Disclaimer: Any reference to people either real or imagined it totally fabricated and is an unfortunate product of the author’s warped imagination.

Well punters, it’s nice to be back with the opportunity to describe some serious arts and crafts soccerball. The arthritic bladder enclosed bashers were up for a game if it wasn’t for 50,000 school kids playing for the schools’ World Cup on the hallowed Poli-put-the-kettle-on turf. Anyway, it meant the cerebrally challenged old boys would be able to display their skills in front of the biggest crowd of the season, albeit the kids were doing the Poznan (because of the link with Lech Poznan in Poland) without realising it.

Supreme “Being” Breck (the Commander’s lawyers had taken out a copyright injunction against me using the word “Commander”) had picked a couple of well-matched teams which were superbly set to deliver a feast of footie in the searing heat. With his lovely wife being condemned to a week in the UK, our Keef was able to get in touch with his feminine side and turn up to referee the game in a pastel green Lacoste polo and full-on sandals….pity he wasn’t wearing white socks to cap off the ensemble.

The reds had a great line-up with Wee Eddie taking a deep-lying midfield role, and ageing rocker Rick going full Francis Rossi in goal. Deluded Leeds fan Yozza was his usual languid self, trying to out-glide Kevo through the midfield. The reds had a killer duo up top with tax-free Colin playing in the right channel (Islands) and Birthday Boy Bambi randomly falling over on the plastic grass. With milky Steve (bites your legs) at the back and Wrexham’s (Hollywood) finest Steve, in a fluid, who knows where he’s playing role, the reds looked strong. Yours truly played a very deep lying role contemplating the existential relationship between walking footie and beer.

Meanwhile, the blacks were led by hoverboarding Kevo whose gliding ability would have won him a gold medal at the Beijing Winter Olympics freestyle snowboarding. In goal was disaster waiting to happen, Stephen who holds the record for the worst goalkeeping record in WFS Opta stats. With eternally optimistic Leeds no-hoper Tim playing at left-back, the blacks had a solid defence.  The blacks had Wee Eddie’s best mate Big Paul playing on right midfield and Terminator II Sergei destroying everything through the middle. The blacks had a solid core of Gaelic-football Darren surging down the right backed up by dependable (scythe you down) Audrey holding the defence together. Supreme Being Breck slotted into the number 10 role supporting Stanley Blanchflower clone, Jinky Ken (just watch him move!).

The blacks dominated the early minutes, leaving goal hanger Ken on the edge of the box. Sure enough the Jinky wing-man soon got the opportunity to jink his way through on  goal. Unfortunately rocker Rick was finishing off another three bar bash of Deeper ‘n Down before realising he’d given the jinky one the opportunity to score. However, the all-round skill goblin showed how it should be done by bagging an early brace. Blacks 2-0 Reds.

The stunned reds had to pull themselves together and somehow supported Yozza to get over his latest hangover. Sure enough the big man soon realised there was only one ball on the pitch and started to link up well with toe-poke Dave and tax-free Colin. The reds started to look dangerous.  Thankfully, the detoxing Yozza picked out birthday boy, 92 year old Bambi on the edge of the box. The spindly legged striker skilfully shifted the ball onto his right peg before firing a goalscoring super conductor into the top corner. What a goal, even if a half-decent keeper (apologies to Stephen) had been in goal they wouldn’t have stopped that one. The reds high gegenpressing game began to take its toll on the blacks, and it was only a matter of time before they pierced the fragile defence. Sure enough, tax-free Colin glided into space on the right of the goal before brilliantly taking the ball in his stride completing his tax return, and drilling it past the hapless Stephen. Blacks 2-2 Reds.

But worse was yet to come from the goal-keeping calamity-Steve. The reds were patiently building a nice attacking move through wee Eddie, to toe-poke Dave, to gliding Yozza, through to tax-free Colin (zzz, yes we were desperate for a drinks break!). Ok, it was like watching La Liga, but what better way to get to sleep. Meanwhile, easily distracted Stephen chased off after a stray football, like any other self-respecting cocker-spaniel would do. Wiley Yozza spotted his chance as Stephen drifted out of goal, and calmly drilled the ball home from 35 yards. What a goal! The reds were deservedly ahead. Blacks 2-3 Reds.

The reds were starting to dominate despite Kevo’s best efforts to snuff out every attack. Jinky Ken was closed down by the massed ranks of the reds defence and the unwanted attention of, just a second late tackle, Steve. With Terminator II Sergei going in goal, the reds were given a bit more freedom in midfield. Sure enough plastic paddy Rory found some space 25 yards out and curved one into the goal past the shape shifting liquid metal keeper. Blacks 2-4 Reds.

The reds looked comfortable with Hollywood Steve confidently playing right wing-back and dreaming of Wrexham’s ascendancy to the quagmire that is League 2. Over-confident plastic paddy Rory took on the gloves for the last quarter, not anticipating the shocking farce that was to follow. Stephen used his argumentative superpower to persuade one of the local kids to distract your correspondent with a complicated question in Spanish about how long we were playing. The mono-lingual numbskull was totally distracted by the question, allowing ruthless Stephen to step in and roll the ball over the line to the horror of your wordsmith. Shock! Horror! The blacks were back in it.  Blacks 3-4 Reds

The distraught reds soon composed themselves and with wee Eddie building from the back they soon mounted a series of assaults on the blacks’ goal. The normally reliable defence comprising Audrey and Sergei, eventually succumbed to the pressure with tax-free Colin bagging a well-deserved brace and reinstating the reds two goal cushion.  Blacks 3-5 Reds. But there was more to come with the fluent reds footie surely delivering another goal. However, they weren’t reckoning on Audrey who had put on the gloves and pulled off a couple of fine saves to hold the reds at bay. However, there was no holding back tax free Colin as creative dynamo Yozza released him to the right of the box. Sure enough the channel islands hitman hit the target and surely secured a thrilling game. Blacks 3-6 Reds. But not quite. Stars in his eyes Welsh Steve was again distracted by bankrupting his club with their promotion to League 2. The distracted keeper threw the ball out to mishap Stephen in a belated attempt to rebuild the well-meaning corporate banker’s self-esteem. Sure enough the big man fired it past Welsh Steve’s despairing dive as the ball entered the middle of the goal.

What a great game full of calamitous play and superb goalscoring. Thanks to Keef for sme great refereeing and sharing with us his gender fluidity. I don’t know about you guys, but surely slides are better, even with white socks.

Final Score …Blacks 4-6 Reds