Benalmadena 06th March

Match Report by Rory

A veritable feast of football at the Polideportivo

The geriatric ball bangers were delighted to be back on the hallowed turf, where with their plastic boots shuffling across the fake plastic grass (Radio Head anyone?), they’re able to generate 5% of Benalmádenas power requirements after one game. Supreme commander Breck was forced into some last-minute changes following the late withdrawals of Dazza and James (the rhythm method?). Annoying, but at least no-one got pregnant. Breck skilfully managed to pull together some well matched teams. It was great to welcome back Garry, who had once again managed to successfully ditch his 737 in the Med, so that he could participate in one more game of footie. Good to have Yoza back who’s gliding skills on the pitch give Kevo a run for his money. Dave the cab played a deep lying midfield role supported by Brentford Dave, and the king of mistimed tackles, milky Steve. With Sonic up front supported by Bambi, the blacks surely had to get a hatful of goals. Billy the Fish started in goal for the blacks

Newcomers Steve, Alan and John made their noteworthy debuts for the reds. In addition to the debutants, the reds had Luton’s 23^rd choice keeper Steve Loasby in goal with rock solid Audrey shoring up the left side of the defence. Bereaved QPR supporter Keef mooched around in midfield supported by puss in new boots Rory skilfully trying not to get any dust on his toecaps. Welsh Steve, inspired by Hollywood Wrexham took up his usual randomly running about position, and dreamt of scoring a goal with his arse. Dutch Libero Han strolled about in midfield making the occasional telling pass. Finally, Stephen managed to get a runout with the lads after a heavy few weeks of laundering money for the Russian mafia. Supreme commander Breck manfully took on the role of reffing the rabble and upholding the “spirit of the game”.

The game started out with some nice passing moves (yawn), only for Garry to score in a record short time for the walking footballers. Garry’s navigational systems (guided by Malaga air traffic control) had led him to a good position on the left of the box before striking the ball into the far corner. While it’s tempting to say the ball passed through a mass of players and that Steve was unsighted, the fact is he was just shite, as the ball trickled past his statuesque body. It took a bit of time before the reds could adapt to Stephen’s misplaced passes but “total football” Han soon started to get the boys moving and newbies Alan, Steve and John started to work their way into the game. It wasn’t long before twinkle toes Rory picked out Keef on the edge of the box. Even though he watches every QPR game, he managed to keep his composure before firing the ball across the diving Fish an into the far corner. Blacks 1-1 Reds.

The reds then proceeded to stun the blacks with a great passage of play backed up by a couple of thunderbolt shots from Rory and Alan to give them a commanding 3-1 lead. The salt was further rubbed into the wounds when debutant Alan bagged his brace with a shot cunningly aimed straight at Paolo in the black’s goal. The normally brilliant Italian gloveman fumbled the shot and it trickled over the line to the despairing sound of Pavarotti bashing out O Solo Mio (cue hanky and tears). Blacks 1-4 Reds. This goal finally woke the Kraken (Yoza and Kevo), who proceeded to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and give it a right good kicking. Little Al on the wing forged a good (we all hate) Leeds partnership with Yozza and the blacks started to threaten Stephen in the reds goal. Surprisingly, the normally inept keeper managed to pull off a couple of stunning saves to keep the reds well in front.

The blacks eventually got what their skilful play deserved when Yozza glided into some space on the edged of the box and was neatly picked out by Dave. The big man shifted the ball onto his right peg and calmly passed it into the corner of the goal to give the blacks renewed hope. Blacks 2-4 Reds. The reds hit back with the start of a brilliant hat-trick from Stanley Matthews clone Ken. The tricky wingman hovered on the edge of the box where he scored a couple in quick succession. Blacks 2-6 Reds. The blacks were dominating the play with Brentford Dave firing in some exocets on the reds goal although failing to trouble Keef between the sticks. With Kevo and Yozza beginning to dominate the midfield exchanges the reds were relying on the occasional breakaway. Fortunately for the reds they had tough tackling Audrey and John at the back to repel the relentless wave of attacks. The blacks threw their last roll of the dice by putting Bambi in goal, and sure enough he presented Ken with his hat-trick.

With a lovely run off the ball by Sonic, a huge space opened up for Ken in front of goal. Following Ken’s strike the ball was travelling so slowly you had to use stop-motion technology to work out that it was actually moving. But sure enough it managed to get past Bambi and leave Steve and Ken to fight it out over who gets the match ball. Blacks 2-7 Reds.

Although the blacks seemed dead and buried, they staged a great fightback thanks to their powerful midfield. Yozza managed to the put the blacks back in it with another fine strike. Blacks 3-7 Reds. This was then followed up by Kevo turning the game back in favour of the blacks. With a neat exchange of passes Kevo bludgeoned his way through the reds’ defence to give him sight of goal. The big man fired off a thunderbolt which smacked Welsh Steve’s arse on the way through and sent the hapless Keef in the wrong direction. Although the dubious goals committee did finally award the goal to Kevo, they also designated it  a very dubious goal because of the part played by Steve’s rear end in bamboozling the easily bamboozled Keef.  Blacks 4-7 Reds.

Just as the blacks thought they had a sniff of a win; debutant Alan spun a high looping ball into the top corner from 25 yards to (almost) put the game to bed. Blacks 4-8 Reds. However, there was one last twist in the tail as the blacks pressed forward to salvage their pride. Sure enough their neat passing play split the reds defence to put in little Al on the reds’ goal. With Keef between the sticks, it could only end one way. Instead of making himself big, like any other decent keeper would do, Keef through made himself as thin as possible an through himself to the ground ensuring he had no chance of stopping the ball. And with that goalkeeping aberration, the final whistle put everyone out of their misery.

Another excellent game of soccer ball. Well played everyone and thanks to our Supreme Commander for reffing the game.

Final Score Blacks 5-8 Reds