Benalmadena 17th October

Slow game Report by Geoff

REDS …..1 versus BLACKS……2

In the slower ‘old farts’ game of seven a side played with smaller nets two evenly balanced teams played some terrific walking football.

The only goal in the first session before the water break came from Ken the ‘oldest swinger’ in the club who I believe will be 79 years old on his next birthday.

Belying his age Ken still on occasions shows shooting skills from his younger days as he did on this occasion to blast a shot past Welsh Steve in goal who had previously made some fine saves for the Reds to keep the score goalless.

Bambi for the Blacks was his usual moaning self at everyone else’s mistakes but never his own. What a star!

Big welcome back to Boris  great to see him enjoying his football and even more so the banter in the bar afterwards with everyone.

The second and third quarters remained goalless with H in goal for the Blacks and Paulo for the Reds aka Dino Zoff making some excellent saves belying their bulky yet  nevertheless athletic frames!

The fourth and last quarter started with Hans scoring a fine equalising goal for the Reds following some slick passing by his teammates. which actually made him look like a half decent player!

Not to be out done the old swinger and goal poacher supreme got his second which also turned out to be the winning goal for the Blacks.

Brian at left back had a solid defensive game at left back for the Blacks along with some astute ball distribution.

To his credit Keef although playing for the Blacks was surprisingly an impartial referee allowing the game to flow which in no small part made for an excellent game, albeit Hans may well dispute such comments.

Guest player John M a friend of Paulo thoroughly enjoyed himself to such an extent he made several pirouettes during the game before hitting the ground, fortunately not hurting himself. He had obviously earlier been coached by Bambi in the intricate skills of walking football!

As is the norm most players had a few drinks on the balcony afterwards including man of the match Ken K who left early for a dentist appointment.

Subsequently Keef received a phone call saying Ken had lost his house keys and believed they may well be in the changing rooms. Directing operations from the bar area with drink in hand Keef had everyone searching the Polideportivo, toilets, showers pitch etc to no avail. After some 30 minutes searching TV Kev decided he was leaving only to then find the keys on the table next to his bag near to where he was sitting. Keef true to form telephoned Ken’s wife and subsequently tried to take all the glory. Classic.

Fast Game report by Rory

Super-fast broadband game has local hospital orthopaedic department on high alert!

As regular readers of this column will know, the faster game is rapidly resembling a game of geriatric Roller Ball (Jonathon! Jonathon!). The hardy hardmen were pleased to be back on dry land after their aquatic adventures the previous Monday. Once again Breck had pulled together some well-matched teams. A key player to watch for the blacks was Stephen, with his ability to engage the opposition in robust debate, thereby taking their attention off the game (is this a 5 minute argument or the full half-hour?). In goal for the reds was Luton Town’s over 90s 23^rd choice keeper Steve Loasby, who clearly gave the reds an advantage with his athletic pyrotechnics in goal (more on this later sports fans).

TV Kev deployed all of his coaching skills to ensure the reds were well set up to penetrate down the blacks’ right flank. Test Pilot Garry was in a holding pattern over the blacks’ goal.  Newcastle Utd human rights stalwart Trevor brought his silky skills to bear in the hole. The reds’ defence looked solid, with Lisbon Lion Steve parking his bus, and slightly confused Rory wondering whether he should listen to Steve in goal or TV Kev as attacking wing-back. Fortunately, his synapses are re-snapped after every game. With Breck in his usual libero role, the reds looked solid. With Steve L being the last line of defence, the reds were quietly smug about their chances of pulling down the pants of the opposition, setting fire to them, and running them up the nearest flagpole.

The blacks set out their intentions from the start. Bustling Colin bustled up front spreading harmony and joy throughout the carnage that followed the kick-off. Chair of the WFS debating society Stephen drifted in midfield, seeking out the ideal opportunity to distract a key player on the opposition with a well timed “point of order”. Graham Souness avatar Laurie supplemented his silky footballing skills in midfield and sublime box to box play, with a side line in dodgy tackles. Darren brought energy to midfield with his dynamic overlapping runs and his occasional “introduction to Gaelic football” shots. With Plymouth’s stalwart Pete shoring up the defence the blacks were also confident, knowing that super-keeper rugby league refugee Kevo was capable of pulling off the spectacular between the sticks.

The reds seized the initiative early on, with big Kevo having to pull of a number of solid saves following good work up front from Garry and Trevor. Bustling Colin showed why Wales (group stage exit) made it to the World Cup with his movement and ability to hold up the ball. Stephen tied up a number of the opposition players with a strategically placed argument about tackling. The blacks started to threaten but were repelled by some great saves from Steve who had a ready supply of replacement joints stored in the back of the goal.

Something had to give, and sure enough TV Kev eventually sprung the trap by combining well with Trevor and Garry down the left flank and releasing Trevor in front of goal. Conjuring the ghost of Kevin Keegan, he calmly slotted the ball into the bottom corner. A great opener for the reds who led 1-0. At the start of the second period, Dazza replaced Kevo in goal and the fireworks began. In quick succession the new gloveman handed out goals in an unprecedented showing of largesse in the fast game. The main beneficiary was super-coach TV Kev who benefited from Dazza’s generosity to score his first. Then, confused Hull City reject Rory intercepted a misdirected roll out from Dazza to pass the ball into the goal. Finally, TV Kev got the goal of the season when a full-bodied toe-punt up the pitch by Dazza was volleyed back with interest from the halfway line by the alert TV man. What a goal! Only Garry was missing out, after a mere 25 shots with none of them troubling the keeper. Doesn’t say much for his pilot navigational skills!

The blacks were by no means dead and buried and with Darren now out of goal and reverting to his favoured Carlos Alberto attacking style anything could happen. Bustling Colin eventually worked an opening which his hard worked deserved and he managed to fire the ball past the seemingly impregnable Steve to open up the game again. Meanwhile, Dazza the dynamic full back went some way to redeeming himself when Kevo engaged Steve L in the reds’ goal in a debate about whether particle physics really can explain the emergence of black holes in an infinite universe. Steve L was pushing back with his latest thinking on the metaverse when Dazza spotted an opportunity to lace the ball past the unsuspecting keeper into the opposition goal. It was a great strike which simultaneously ended Kevo and Steve’s ruminations on the origins of the universe.

With pressure on the reds they hit the blacks on the break, with Garry’s selfless running compensating for his inability to hit the side of barn door. The energetic frontman laid the ball nicely on for TV Kev to seal a great hat-trick and provide a vindication of his coaching skills. Move over Pep!! At 5-2 down the blacks pressed forward and Pete surprisingly sprung the reds’ offside trap to find himself in on goal. While everyone else thought he was going to blast it over the bar, Pete confounded his critics with a beautiful strike into the bottom corner.

At 5-3 the blacks were back in the game, but they continuously ran up against Breck, who snuffed out many an attack with his anticipation. With Trevor wandering into the penalty area, VAR judged it to be a penalty. Pete had the chance to increase the pressure on the reds but didn’t take into account robo-goalie Steve who easily saved his top-corner shot. The final ten minutes were a flurry of running, challenging debates about contemporary issues, and lunging tackles. The game was finally killed off when Rory played a nice 1-2 with TV Kev from a corner and blasted his shot towards goal. Fortunately, Pete intervened and deflected the ball past a despairing keeper. Final score Blacks 3-5 Reds. Once the injured had been loaded onto the attendant ambulances, the survivors retired to the bar for a few jugs of liver compromiser. Well played lads….has anyone got the Xanit visiting times?