Benalmadena 16th May FF

Fast Farts Report by Rory

Regular readers of this column will know how long winded your correspondent can be in describing the inept attempts at booting a leather covered bladder up and down a plastic pitch. I have been reflecting upon the views of colleagues and in response have decided to tell you all to f**& right off and get over yourselves! It is what it is! Anyway, two good teams faced each other on the hallowed plastic in the fast farts game. The blacks were stuffed full of the “3 Steves”, two of who were newcomers to walking fitbah. Turbo-charged titanium knees Hamid provided some silky midfield skills for the blacks with pirate Pete providing the bite at the back supported by everyone’s favourite Rotherham Libero, Kevo. Glyn operated down the right flank with multiple injury prone Rory dropping into goal.

The exciting reds line-up included mercurial left-footed Jimmy Johnstone wing-wizard Eddie creating havoc across the blacks’ back line. Big Al did what big Al does, holding up the ball well and gliding through the multiverse, popping up where you least expect him. The reds attempted to nullify this with a phalanx of 3 Alans, with 1 in goal 1 in midfield and 1 up front (Alan, Alan, Alan…..). Mark provided solid support in midfield, with Breck picking out team-mates at will with his long-range passing. Olaf, Kevin and Jim, made up the rest of a solid looking reds’ team. Laid back Steve Loasby was referee ably stopping the lads from getting too enthusiastic in their tackling and running.

The early exchanges were bogged down in the midfield area with the blacks having a slight territorial dominance. Hamid took early control of the midfield setting up some nice moves and combining well with Kevo, gliding effortlessly around the pitch on his hoverboard. Alan in the reds’ goal dealt comfortably with the early shots that did manage to hit the target. The first quarter was as exciting as watching the final sequences of 2001 a Space Odyssey. Revelatory, but dull. Meanwhile, Eddie was literally running himself into the ground and getting involved in some nice exchanges with big Al. The wee man was looking increasingly dangerous as he sliced through the blacks’ defensive lines at will.

The powerful blacks’ midfield eventually found a way through some stalwart defending by Mark and Olaf. Some precise passing resulted in the ball popping into the air in front of Steve. The sous-chef striker brilliantly volleyed it past Alan in goal who was rooted to the spot. Blacks 1-0 Reds. The blacks’ midfield dominance was hamstrung by hamstring injuries to two of their new Steves, both of whom had to limp off for an early ice bath. The reds were quick to take advantage of the disparity and managed to sneak an equaliser through some lovely play from Eddie to set up Mark who calmly picked his spot in the back of the net. Blacks 1-1 Reds

The reds’ capitaine big Al kindly loaned the blacks one of his Alans so that the teams were evened up. The reds were clearly galvanised by the equaliser and dominated the third quarter, with Eddie and big Al forming a fine partnership up front, backed up by some good passing and moving from Mark and Olaf. Breck took the opportunity to show why he was the WFS record holder for the number of shots that could be booted over the bar when it would be easier to score. The pressure eventually told when big Al found some space behind the static defence, kept his head and passed the ball into the corner of the goal to give the reds a deserved lead. Blacks 1-2 Reds.

With Kevo having recharged his hoverboard, the reds started to press hard for an equaliser as the clock ticked down. Blacks hard man Pete started to make increasing forays into the reds half giving the attacks some added oomph. This didn’t stop the reds from having some good breakaways which were thwarted by some great saves by Glyn in goal. The reds were defending deep as the blacks pushed for an equaliser. Under pressure from Steve, big Al’s momentum took his big toe into the box. VAR clearly showed that big Al should have trimmed his toe-nails that morning as eagle eyed Steve Loasby was left with no choice but to blow up for a penalty. Commeth the hour commeth the man, and up stepped Kevo to leave Alan in the reds’ goal motionless in his concrete overboots as the ball fired into the bottom corner.

Final score Blacks 2-2 Reds. Another great tight game the right enjoyed by all. Shout out to Steve Loasby who kept the game moving and in the right spirit.

Immanuel Kant