Benalmadena 5th May

Match report by Rory

Fast Game report by Rory – Blacks 3 Reds 3

Hold your horses, football is not yet dead!!

Keef gave his usual 5 minute inspirational “Ted Talk” to the players in los pedos rapidos game. Blah blah no running, blah blah no physical contact, blah blah spirit of the game, plus a curve ball about no referee. Try that in the Old Firm derby!! Unsurprisingly the aged ball kickers pretty much rose to the challenge apart from one, and you can all guess who that was!!

Anyway, Keef did get something right and picked two brilliantly matched teams with the blacks having a “total football” triumvirate from de Nederlands primed to pass and move their way into geometric oblivion. The one syllable wonders: Hans, Han and Kai made up a fearsome midfield. The ladies’ favourite, crooner-swooner Laurie took the gloves and “ace in the hole” big Al led the line with his seemingly infinite number of legs and feet enabling him to receive passes from all parts of the pitch. “Sick note” Rory nursed his record-breaking number of injuries in a deep lying position with Pete the bereaved Plymouth playoff playmaker, starting as Libero.

Meanwhile, the reds had Hamid, taking languid stylish football to a new level, sitting in behind dangerous Danish goal poacher supreme, Max. Secret weapon Dazza 2.0 unfurled his usual box of tricks plus his new debating skills which he has perfected after holding the WFS record for being blown up for running and blasting the ball into the stratosphere…..that wasn’t over head height?! The reds had the fake Welsh / Geordie Trevor, controlling the defence, with Keef providing some great linkup play between midfield and defence (because he was the only one running). Glyn took up an attacking wing position and Steve took the gloves.

Both teams started well creating plenty of good early moves without troubling either keeper. It wasn’t until 10 mins in before Hans realised, he’d put his shiny new adidas boots (€99!!) on the wrong feet, but he manfully carried on misplacing his passes. Pete was doing a great man-for-man marking number on Max and minimising opportunities for the dead eye dick Dane to find the net. Meanwhile, big Al used all his many legs to stretch the reds’ defence. Eventually the blacks managed to pick out the frontman who swivelled skilfully and buried the ball in the bottom corner. Blacks 1-0 Reds.

The game was taking on a kinda Man City vs Madrid flavour with the ball moving end to end. Just when it looked like the blacks would stretch their lead, some good pressing work from Keef and Dazza, and a great dummy run from Max presented a chance for bionic-knees Hamed to control the ball in a tight space before calmly slotting the ball into the bottom corner. This brilliant equaliser momentarily stunned the blacks, but they soon regained their composure with Han seeing a lot of the ball in midfield and Kai making progress down the right flank.

The pressure paid off when big Al was again released on the edge of the box and he wasted no time in slotting the ball into the corner to restore the blacks’ lead. Blacks 2-1 Reds. With Lisbon Lion Steve out of goal the reds acquired some extra bite in midfield and began to push forward, feeding the tall wing-man Glyn and opening up some cracks in the blacks’ defence. And sure enough, the diminutive Dane found space where none existed and beat lover-boy Laurie in the bottom corner. The blacks realised that Rory’s plastic boots weren’t helping his shooting following a number of long-range shots that were so far wide that only the corner flags were threatened. Despite this the dynamic Dutch midfield wrenched control from the reds and applied a heavy pressing game on the opposition goal. Compensating for his erratic shooting, plastic footed Rory managed to pick out big Al in a tight spot in front of goal. The striker was on top form and managed to spin in behind the defence before burying the ball in the back of the net for a deserved hat-trick.

The game was far from over, and the reds were fired up for one last push by the still energetic Keef and Dazza driving the ball forward. The blacks were holding firm until a moment of Gazza-tastic skill from Hamid who flicked the ball over a defender’s leg, and then calmly waited for the ball to drop before side-footing it into the corner of the net. Truly the goal of the game bringing the reds a deserved equaliser. Blacks 3-3 Reds.

I hate to admit it, but hats’ off to Keef, it was a great game with everyone generally sticking to the rules and containing their enthusiasm. As a result, we all had a thoroughly enjoyable game with only sick note Rory picking up an injury (hardly a surprise!). In high spirits, the now over-tired geriatrics retired to the bar to consider whether the reduction in the bee population will result in an existential crisis for the world as we know it.

Immanuel Kant