Rory Reports!

Slower Farts Game report by Rory

The art of hugging the touchline been defrosted from its cryogenic suspension

Welcome lovers of pure football, today at the Polideportivo we collectively jumped into our old time travelling De Lorean and cruised to an era when wingers hugged the touchline and would beat the same fullback at least seven times before sending the ball into the box onto the head of some lanky behemoth to head it home. The Old Farts recreated a time when football was a lot slower yet more skilful and every second touch was a tackle.

As usual, Steve was the only player with all his parts still working (at least that’s the rumour). The Commander took up a dominant position in midfield where he could orchestrate the play, with attacking wing-backs Pat and Peter providing good penetration down the flanks. Up front, goal hanger Mike was going full Davie Dodds and providing a constant threat to the blacks’ goal.

For the blacks, big Mick was the glove-man with the two Dave’s proving some solid control in midfield. Alan attached himself to Mike the goal hanger in an effort to nullify his goal threat.  Upfront, the mobile Sonic always provided a good outlet for the blacks with Bambi wearing an ever deeper trough down the touchline, reminiscent of the great Willie Morgan.

Thanks to the miracle of stop motion technology, the game was much quicker than it looked. Both teams put together some nice moves, but Rory in the reds’ goal had to pull off a couple of sharp early saves as Dave the bee and Geoff found themselves in goalscoring positions. The Commander was the conduit for most of the reds’ best moves, with Peter getting into some good positions only to find that his shooting boots were three sizes too big. Up front, Mike for the reds was a good spearhead for the attack, nicely laying off the ball to his rapidly advancing teammates.

Dave the cab set up some good moves from his deep position with Bambi always providing a good outlet and cutting in from the wing to bear down on the reds’ goal. Both teams were evenly matched and a goal seemed unlikely against two well marshalled defences. However, something had to give and a defence splitting ball through to predator Pat put him in on Alan between the sticks. The wiley Scot took his time and fired the ball in at the near post. Alan got down brilliantly and flicked the ball away with his right flipper before flipping it back into the goal with his dorsal fin. VAR confirmed it was Pat’s goal as the original shot had been on target.

The blacks were not downhearted and surged forward to try and claim the equaliser their territorial domination deserved. Geoff had a number of half-chances upfront but just couldn’t convert. Dave the bee and Mick both found themselves in on goal but Rory managed to keep them at bay. With Mike taking in a spell in goal, Rory moved into a sweeper role with the reds playing 5 at the back (Ed: but surely it’s only 6 a side?!). Steve’s energetic movement (Ed:running?) gave the reds some great chances on the break, with Peter being at the heart of some great passing and movement through the middle of the park. The blacks thought they had equalised when big Mick fired in a low drive. However, Mike went full Jim Leighton and clawed it around the upright. Hold that pose!

As the reds started to press further forward, superbly marshalled by the Commander, the blacks cracked under the high press and the ball fell into the path of Rory who had made his way into the attacking third. The injury prone paddy twatted the ball past the flailing Alan into the bottom corner to seal the points for the deserving reds. Game over man! Although the blacks may be disappointed, it was a great game with everyone fully involved in the play. As good as it gets.