11th April

Match report by Rory

Although the boys start out with intention of the game being a tactical masterpiece with both sides cancelling each other out due to their strategic brilliance, the game soon descended into a calamitous clown-fest of misplaced passes and goalkeeping howlers. Hey, it’s only a game!

Stephen wisely decided he wasn’t going to have any attempts on goal. How could he possibly beat Monday’s blast into the exosphere. Besides, Dazza was back, and he was sure to launch one of the leather encased bladders up to the Russian Space Station which was now in a decaying orbit over Estepona.

It remains one of the great mysteries of walking football as to why someone over 30 yards away should call for the ball when there are at least 10 players between him and the person in possession. This ranks alongside the goalkeeper rolling the ball out in the middle of the goal, which invariably leads to a goal scoring opportunity for the opposition. Both teams have forgotten the art of defending, and there were another 10 goals to go alongside the 10 that were scored on Monday.

The reds were over dependent on sending the ball up to Nigel, who usually makes a good job of holding the ball up and laying it off to his teammates. This is particularly effective with deadly Ken feeding off the big man. The blacks looked solid with Brian sitting at right-back and Martin playing deep at centre half. Our Keef took up his usual “play anywhere” position, with creative Dutch Arjen Robben clone Gert tucked into the left side of midfield. With Kevo orchestrating the blacks more creative moves, it looked like another good game was in prospect.

The blacks surprisingly took the lead when the ball found its way through to Breck in an inside left position. With aplomb the hoops hopeful scuffed the ball into the bottom corner to give the blacks a barely deserved lead. Running not walking Dave combined well with play anywhere Keef to keep the blacks on the front-foot. Following some comical reds defending and a catastrophic misunderstanding between Fred and Ian the ball fell kindly for yours truly to slot into the far corner to give the blacks a 2-0 lead. Blacks 2-0 Reds.

Meanwhile, Nigel was turning in yet another bravura centre forward performance, and this time he bagged the goals his play richly deserved. Ok, so the blacks defence was more static than the famous standing stones of Stenness (they’re in Orkney for the uninitiated), but the big man still had to stick it in the net. Sure, enough he bagged a hat trick of great strikes sending the reds into a 3-2 lead. Blacks 2-3 Reds

Amazingly, Darren kept himself in check so that any commercial flights landing at Malaga airport were no longer at risk of being taken out by a 100mph toe-poke into the atmosphere. With Stephen relying on contradiction rather than full argument mode, the reds managed to keep their discipline and dominated the middle part of the game. Dave the bee was having one of his quieter games with most of his 76 shots failing to trouble the opposition keeper. The reds were rocked when a brilliant ball from Keef picked out skilful Dutchman Gert, who superbly picked his spot and drew the blacks level. Blacks 3-3 Reds

With Nigel restoring the lead for the reds with a great strike from the edge of the box the blacks moved Dave up the cab rank into a more forward position. While not having the best goal-scoring record (347 shots – 1 on target), Dave’s positive forward play was going to give the reds’ defence a new problem to solve. The reds defence was up to the task, with Ian having one of his better games and putting in a series of crucial challenges and blocks to stifle the blacks’ goalscoring ambitions. With the game in the balance, Dave managed to eke out some space to the left of the reds goal and with a lovely strike, found the corner of the goal to get the blacks back into the game. Blacks 4-4 Reds

With the tension rising palpably both teams were reluctant to take risks. However, a brilliant defence splitting ball from Dazza picked out Ken in his favourite inside right position. The veteran goal sniffer skipped in front of his marker and fired the ball past Breck in the blacks’ goal. A great strike and surely the winner for the reds. Blacks 4-5 Reds.

The blacks struggled to break through the massed ranks of the reds defence, and just as it looked like the game was going to drift through to the final whistle the blacks conjured up a bit of magic to secure a well-earned draw. As the seconds ticked down on the final five minutes of Fergie time your correspondent spotted Dave in a micro-inch of space on the edge of the box. Dave, who’s used to reversing into a tight space gratefully received the precision pass before spinning and firing the ball into the bottom corner for a great last gasp equaliser.

Final Score Blacks 5-5 Reds.

Next week’s class. How to defend.