Benalmadena 30th January

Match report by Rory

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to living or dead persons in this match report is purely intentional, so go through the door marked do one!

Well, Breck had excelled himself by picking the most unbalanced team since the Zulu attack on Rorke’s Drift in 1879, only this time, the Zulus’ won! The reds had an array of footballing talent on show with hoverboarding Kevo supported by two Johnny’s (I beg your pardon) Villa wunderkinde Terry, and goal hanger Sonic. Secret weapon Stephen fully utilised his superpower to debate every technicality and send the blacks into a world of existential pain. Super-cyclist Keith completed the team with his all round ability to play in midfield and reincarnate Gordon Banks when playing in goal. Meanwhile, late tackler Geoff maintained a robust centre forward position for the reds alongside strike partner Sonic. Meanwhile, Jan was giving a passable impersonation off the deranged Oscar winner Kathy Bates in the film Misery, as she scythed the blacks’ attack off at the knees, while simultaneously supporting the healthcare sector by sending a regular supply of walking footballers into the Xanit.

Meanwhile, the blacks, who realised they would be up against it decided they would opt for a 3-0 defeat and settle for the moral victory. With the two Johnny’s dominating midfield for the reds the blacks decided they would settle for damage limitation. Sure enough the reds started prancing about with their passing and moving dominance (to you, to me, to you). The valiant blacks clung on for as long as they could before the reds strung together a sublime passing move which released Villa legend Terry in front of goal. The skilful big man caressed the ball into the corner of the goal. Reds 1-0 Blacks.

But no team containing Keef (I used to be someone) Darren, Eoghan and Rory was going to lie down in the face of overwhelming odds. With the amphibian flying Fish in goal and (take no prisoners) Audrey lying deep, there was always going to be a prospect of a fightback. With (Torrrequebraaaada) Alan playing down the left, they always had a great attacking outlet. Meanwhile (hands in pocket, got no money) Maurice was leading the line, supported by five touches, where’s the penalty area – Ken. The blacks strangely thought they might still be in with a chance. Fair play to the blacks, soon after going behind they parked a discarded 103 bus in front of the goal and desperately tried to hold out for a 1-0 defeat.

But the blacks’ optimism was soon to be roundly crushed by the smooth passing moves by the reds. From Kevo, to Terry, to Johnny to Johnny, to Keith and back to Kevo. Your correspondent was starting to feel physically ill with their smug, dominant football. The only consolation was their ability to launch numerous balls into the stratosphere and succeeding where the Virgin Orbit launch had failed. The UK space agency have now made a formal approach to WFS to provide a launch engine to replace the failed Cornish Pasty Space Agency.

Back to the footie. With Johnny (the ghost of Puscas) starting to impose himself in midfield, the reds’ high press started to have an impact, releasing the dynamic duo of Sonic and Geoff up front. Sure enough, the heroic blacks couldn’t withstand the pressure as the reds tikka takka’d their way down the right flank and released DeBruyne clone Terry in space on the edge of the box. The sous-chef magician sent a precise ball through to Sonic who immediately pounced and with his big toe, sent the ball goal bound. In that moment, soccerball met theoretical physics. GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!! As time seemed to stand still, the aged walkers gained an extra ten years of existence as they watched the ball (very slowly) dribble into the bottom corner. It looked like Glyn might save it as the ball was moving so slowly…..but even Glyn couldn’t defy the laws of physics as the ball dribbled past the end of his toe and into the goal. Indeed, it was so slow that Einstein had to rewrite his theory of relativity.

The blacks realised they were still within their performance target of losing 3-0 and were determined to hold on. Finally, Dazza and Keef combined brilliantly down the right, giving the blacks a rare sight of goal. Unfortunately, super goalie Keith was between the sticks and threw himself full length to deny Keef’s brilliant strike as a consolation goal. It was probably a good thing, as we would never have heard the end of it if Keef had scored, as he tried to rehabilitate himself to become someone again. The blacks finally succumbed to defeat after your correspondent put in a straight red tackle on Keith. He left the ref with no option but to send the scribe off. From the ensuing free kick, Terry picked out Kevo who had arrived by stealth on the edge of the box. Sure enough, he struck a perfect volley into the corner of the goal to seal a great win for the reds, and a moral victory for the blacks, who held on for a 3-0 defeat against overwhelming odds.

Well done everyone for a great game, and a big shout out to John for refereeing the rabble.

Back to the bar for refreshments and banter.