Time until the next game at Benalmadena Polideportivo

Slow Farts Report by Geoff

REDS …..4 versus BLUES …..4

Whilst the quality of the ‘Old Farts’ players may have lacked somewhat the finesse  to that of those playing in the other match on the opposite pitch the drama of the closing quarter of this game couldn’t be bettered.

The first quarter for a water break ended goalless with the Reds undoubtedly the stronger team.

The return of Frankie Boy!

However for the next period newcomer Nick having injuring his hip took over in goal for the Blues from Robin another newbie. There is no doubt the loss of Nick was unfortunate as his footballing nous was a big loss as reflected when the Reds scored two quick goals from Glyn aka ‘Owing the bank’ and Graham. However during this period forgetting his hip injury Nick made a tremendous save diving full length across the goal to tip a shot around the corner for what would have been a certain goal.

This coupled with the fact that the Blues also had two other players hobbling around with knee injuries did not augur well for the remainder of the match.

‘Keef’ for the Reds honouring us with his presence from the ‘elite’ squad also took the whistle as match referee, for once being very lenient in some of his decisions which strangely enough  seemed to favour the Blues, none more so when he disallowed a goal for teammate Glyn claiming he had encroached the goal area, the latter obviously vehemently disputed this decision. Is this the same ‘Keef’ everyone asked!

The second quarter ended with the score 2-0 to the Reds.

The Blues in the third quarter began to up there game and responded with two goals from old stager and goal hanger Ken ‘K’, one of which was very dubious as the latter appeared to run well into the goal area as is his want on occasions! However ‘Keef’ as referee disagreed much to Glyn’s disgust having an earlier goal disallowed for a similar discretion.

The fourth quarter began all square with the Reds restoring there two goal lead  through Glyn and Graham, the latter a cracker of a goal following a superb through pass from Dave ‘the cab’🚕. 4-2 to the Reds.

Then Dave 🐝 looked to have scored a great breakaway goal for the Blues only for it to be initially disallowed by Keef’ for an opposing player namely Dave 🚕 running and to then give the Blues a free kick without playing any advantage. To his credit on quickly realising his error under strong protests he awarded the goal and was heard muttering he thought the shot had gone wide, this despite the net bulging like a bag of onions from the power of the shot.

Then with the Reds hanging on to a 4-3 lead Glyn decided to go walk about in goal to throw a ‘loose’ ball back to the ‘elite’ teams on the adjacent pitch. In a flash Ken ‘K’ crossed a square ball to Boris who unleashed a terrific curling shot from the halfway line into the back on the empty Reds goal. Despite strong protests from a distraught goalkeeper ‘Keef’ stood firm and allowed the goal. What a referee, the best!

However, ‘Keef’ then seemed to revert to type to play more than 5 minutes additional time in an endeavour for the Reds to get the winning goal against a tiring Blues team. This plan nearly backfired however when the Blues suddenly burst upfield and won successive corners, unfortunately for them Glyn was guarding his goal on this occasion having had his fingers burnt a few minutes earlier. The last of these two quick corners resulted in a deflected shot from Dave🐝 narrowly missing the far post which would have given the Blues a shock win.

‘Keef’ now realising his time added tactics had nearly backfired blew the whistle to end an exciting finale to the game.

Man of the match Boris for his terrific opportunist goal.

Fast Farts Report by Rory

Vin Diesel comes a cropper from a late tackle in Fast and Furious 10….!!

The fast game changed up a few gears and outwitted a south American drugs cartel to play out a drab 1-1 draw. Unsurprisingly, Breck set up two unmatched teams. The blacks were full of pass and move tikka-takka total football O-Level mathematicians carving their intricate angles through the reds’ statuesque defensive lines. The reds were stacked full of workmanlike Harry McGuire types, incapable of staying in National League South let alone securing a heroic penalty shoot-out defeat in a major tournament. Breck set out the rules at the start of the game, which everyone proceeded to ignore.

Yozza and Frank took early control of midfield while Dazza tried out some of his Gaelic football goal attempts which should surely get him a trial with Connemara. The reds stood firm with Luton’s 25th choice goalkeeper Steve barking instructions from his kennel. High altitude Gary tirelessly tried to work some space up front for the reds but he was closely marshalled by Plymouth stalwart Pete who only realises there’s a ball on the pitch after he’s booted the attacker into row Z. With Stephen recovering from the “lost weekend”, Yozza and Frank soon realised they’d have to play around the usually reliable goal poacher.

Kevo had reprogrammed his knees before the game, but didn’t have a full charge on the batteries, so surely it was only a matter of time before his hover-board ran out of juice. Rory had disconnected his cerebral cortex so he could simultaneously absorb multiple instructions from Steve and Breck about where he should be on the pitch. Yozza and Frank eased into an easy passing rhythm which split the reds’ defence. Unfortunately, the big men were unable to hit the target on a number of occasions – which they would eventually live to regret. Big Al put in a shift in midfield, taking many an “ouch” tackle in a game where there were supposed to be no tackles. Hungarian wizard and “put your foot in” specialist Johnny, had a great game breaking up the reds more fluent attacks whilst at the same time leaving the name of his bootmaker on the calves of the opposition. The goal hungry Hungarian won the prize for the most “sorrys” in one game, deposing the former record holder Dazza.

While big John was not having his best game for the reds, he did have some John Radford moments by shooting wide when it would have been easier to score. The normally reliable Nth London striker had clearly attached the wrong feet, which not take kindly to the leather encased bladder. The silky passing between Frank, Yozza and Stephen eventually broke the reds down when Kai felt compelled to put his enormous size 12s into the box to concede an unnecessary penalty. Big Frank, bearing more than a passing resemblance to Cantona stepped forward and drilled the ball into the top corner past Luton the forlorn Steve’s despairing dive.

Yoza returns

The reds were stung into action and started to string a few passes together, encouraged by the misfiring hover-board libero Kevo. A nice combination of passes culminated in Gary sliding in Kai. The big Dutchman (what other type of Dutchman is there?’) caressed the ball into the bottom corner, only to see it agonisingly bounce off the inside of the post. Big Al tried to bludgeon a way through the well-drilled blacks’ defence, setting up some half chances for John but it just wasn’t his day. Following another 20 minutes of inertia the World Chess Federation decided to declare the game a stalemate as most of the players had fallen asleep. The aged bad tacklers were not discouraged and continued to press for a decisive goal / equaliser. Out of nowhere, Steve (in goal for the blacks) casually rolled the ball out to TV Kev (almost Man Utd’s most southerly supporter), only to find the remotely controlled Rory rushing in to steal the ball and fire it through bandy legged Steve’s legs into the goal for a well-deserved equaliser.

Unfortunately, the game continued for another 20 minutes before the anaesthetist decided to bring the players out of their coma in the hope that they didn’t recall the game. Well played guys, a hard fought 1-1 stalemate which thankfully everyone emerged injury free…..apart from a few aching muscles and twanged ligaments.

The need for speed!!