13th November

Match report by Rory

It was another good turnout at the Poli and the 12 a side match was preceded by the usual drivel about who had the strongest team. Needless to say, it’s how each team performs on the day, and who’s capable of booting the ball into the back of the net.

The blacks welcomed back “one touch” Terry into their midfield alongside the man with the equal loudest mouth on the pitch, James. You’ve guessed it, the other shoutiest person is our own Steve Loasby. More experienced players ensured they had brought their ear defenders with them in addition to their hats and sun cream.

The blacks were power packed with big Frank leading the line and big Al backing him up. Bambi was available for his usual inspirational and encouraging comments to his teammates. Dazza was sporting a new line in jungle explorer headgear courtesy of Stephen (I’ve never seen him wear that hat either). Silkily skilful Boris kept things calm at the back, supported by Kevo on a refurbished hoverboard, ensuring his gliding about the pitch was quieter and smoother than usual. Dave took the gloves. Glyn and Dave the owl provided some class in the blacks’ midfield. The fast-improving Ian had quickly learned that the ball travelled further and more accurately if he kicked it with his foot and would prove a dangerous outlet for the blacks down the left flank. The blacks had plenty of firepower on show and were going to be hard to keep at bay.

The reds had understated Liverpool supporter Garry up front, aided and abetted by backheel Mick, hovering on the right wing. Yours truly took up his usual position in midfield, supported by Welsh Steve and the now fully fit Johnny, bringing some fresh energy to the game. Our Keef started out as an inverted wing-back and was soon able to strike up a great relationship with back-heel Mick. Stanley Matthews tribute act Ken had a free role across the front-line. Stephen started out well for the reds, engaging half the opposition team in a debate about the head high rule. It was a master stroke which led to the reds dominating possession in the first quarter.

Unfortunately, the crisp passing and moving failed to deliver anything more than geometrical proof of Pythagoras’s theorem. And while indeed, the area of the square whose side is the hypothenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares on the other two sides, this doesn’t lead to a glut of goals. With James and Steve L scaring off the local wildlife with their booming calls of PASS IT!! RUN BACK!! ON YOUR LEFT!! ON YOUR RIGHT!! This didn’t yield any goals either.

The deadlock was finally broken in the third quarter when the reds managed to find Ken in space to the right of the box. The agile frontman pirouetted into position and drove his big right toe firmly through the ball past the stunned Dave in goal. A brilliant finish putting the reds 1-0 up. The blacks responded by trying to out Harry Kane, Harry Kane. But shooting from your own half is rarely successful in walking football as most players couldn’t hit the side of an aircraft hangar, let alone a barn door. The third quarter brought more joy for the reds. Our Keef was finding some joy down the right flank and was linking up brilliantly with back-heel Mick. Following another great run down the right, our Keef found himself in space near the goal, although the angle looked tough. To the surprise of everyone on the pitch he fired a beauty, straight as an arrow into the bottom corner of the goal. Reds 2-0 Blacks.

Frank was dangerous up front for the blacks and through his skilful play, managed to engineer a couple of half chances. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find the back of the net and the blacks were increasingly dependent on long-range shots. On the rare occasion they could get a shot on goal Breck was able to pull off a brilliant save to maintain a clean sheet. The reds weren’t averse to a bit of a long-range punt with Steve L launching one into the upper stratosphere and out of the ground. The triumph of optimism over reality. Garry finally got the reward his energetic display deserved (he’d had 76 shots with no return!). A nice through ball from Johnny gave him just enough space to fire it into the corner. Reds 3-0 Blacks. The game was finally finished off when a great ball out from our Keef to back-heel Mick allowed the Scot (with a tenuous connection with Ireland) to cushion the ball to Garry who flicked it up and volleyed past the statuesque Dave in goal. Reds 4-0 Blacks. And with that, the game was mercifully put out of its misery by fastidious referee John.

Well played everyone, a good game played with a good spirit and well ref’d by John. With that the exhausted ball bashers wandered to the bar to discuss whether the unseasonably warm weather was a product of global heating, or just good luck.