18th September

Morcambe Massive Mangles energetic Everton apologists.

The languid residents of Espanol del Sol welcomed a spaceship from the treacherous sands of Morcambe Bay into their midst and were taught a lesson in pass and move tika taka footie. Deft left footer Yoza welcomed a band of super ball jugglers into the Polideportivo to contribute to a great game of well-matched ball smackers. The reds started off well with super chopper Harris Stan at the back superbly controlling his defence. With box-to-box Rory protecting the defence and super Dazza firing in 250mm howitzers from long range the reds looked to be in a strong position. Big Stace, who’d been sent back from the future to the present by Skynet to destroy walking football was initially disobeying orders by playing some brilliant football and almost scoring. Unfortunately, some corrosion of his programme meant he soon started to blast wide from 4 yards and tackle his own players….he was succeeding in ending football.

Meanwhile, the blacks had a collection of ball juggling wizards sent from the third dimension to torture the walking footballers. Lead wizard Yoza coaxed his team forward with Scotty, Fred and Don making Stephen and big Al look good!! Fair play to the reds, they started off well and got an early lead when wobbly gyroscope Gary fired in a great angled drive to fire the reds in front. With Rory hovering in front of the ever-vigilant Stan, the reds looked solid. Meanwhile, the boys started a war of attrition – opta stats 250 passes to a player on your team but you’ve advanced a millimetre.

Both teams eventually decided that life was indeed too short and they should maybe try to score a goal. Sure enough it was time for Yoza to glide into space and slot the ball into the bottom corner, much to the massive annoyance of your favourite correspondent. Anyway, as you know, this column is a supporter of cosmic insignificance therapy. In the whole scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter when we’re all an insignificant pimple in an infinite universe. It was still a good goal, and that boy can play.

The reds weren’t downhearted, with Kevo on his new supercharged hoverboard there was the reassuring call of – “play the easy ball” – unfortunately a sensible instruction disregarded by a number of the reds. Nonetheless, the headless chickens managed to fashion another goal with some great one touch passing giving little Al the chance to slot the ball into the bottom corner. A great goal and great strike to give the reds the lead. Reds 2-1 Blacks.

The next 30 minutes were a great interchange of attacks as both teams tried to wrestle control from the other. Hungarian ball player Johnny was getting back to full fitness and proving a threat down the wing. However, Stephen deployed his arguing superpower to great effect and confused the opposition by introducing an intricate argument about the over head high rule. However, this tactic opened up some great opportunities. Meanwhile big Al was donating his calves to science as Stan decided he didn’t need them anymore, in an exchange of play that would have been described as “robust” in the days of chopper Harris, one of the best leg surgeons in English footballing history. As we all expected, big Al responded with dignity and attempted to kick nine bells of shit out of Stan. Fortunately for us, there’s a Buddhist temple just up the road, where we can regain our karma. Hmmmmmm…..

Unfortunately, your favourite correspondent got some thigh twang through trying to belt the ball too hard, and had to go into goal. The reds were playing with 24 attackers, leaving them slightly open to the counterattack. Sure enough the wily northerners passed their way through the non-existent defence and made the reds pay for their attacking naivety. Following a great move involving Yoza , Scotty and Don, the ball was presented on a plate to Nigel who brilliantly side footed the ball into the net. Unfortunately, your correspondent can’t remember who scored the next two goals, but there were some cracking, well-constructed goals struck into the back of the net. Reds 2-4 Blacks. What a great game played in the best spirit (sort of). And we’ve all signed up to meditation classes at the Buddhist temple which also weirdly provides some coaching on how to tackle without killing your opponent.

Hasta luego mi amigos!

Match Report by Geoff

BLACKS …4 versus REDS …3

Well, here we go in the absence of any takers, some of whom are quick to criticise any inaccuracies, I will again do my best to summarise what turned out to be a thoroughly enjoyable old farts match.

The first quarter was evenly matched with no score, the highlight was Gooner Fred doing a triple somersault and nearly falling into his own goal area and giving away a penalty when trying to block a shot. The resultant tremors felt by visitors in the nearby Pueblo thinking there had been a mini earthquake. After shaking himself off, the only harm to Fred was his pride in addition to a massive dent in the astro turf.

After 25 minutes, Our Aud scored to put the Reds one up, which on the run of play was a fair reflection of matters with Dave Cab continually making probing passes for his teammates, this despite him looking like someone from the local casualty department with both knees heavily strapped.

The third quarter began after the statutory water break with poacher supreme and soon to be octogenarian Ken equalising for the Blacks.

Not to be outdone, Fish, shortly afterwards, put the Reds back in front with a rasping shot into the top left hand corner of the Blacks goal.

New boy Simon showing some silky deft touches equalised for the Blacks just before the end of the third quarter making it two apiece.

The 4th and last quarter began with Klaus on his return to the Polideportivo putting the Reds back in front with a fine shot. This goal was some consolation for him being penalised on a number of occasions for not adhering to the recent changes in rules.

The final 10 minutes had everything with the Blacks throwing everything other than the kitchen sink at the Reds goal. First, after a handball by a Reds defender who shall remain nameless, Fred missed the resultant penalty which struck the post, fortunately no somersaults this time.

This was followed by Klaus then deciding to go walkabout in his own penalty area, giving away yet another penalty which Ken, with some aplomb, blasted past Fish into the top left corner of the Reds net. What a star, Ken that is!

Then almost immediately in additional time the Owl, showing he is improving his fitness with every match following serious illness, hit a cracking low left footer into the Reds goal giving the goalie no chance. Final score 4-3 to the Blacks leaving the Cab scratching his head as to how they had somehow lost the match.

Simon for the Blacks was impressive and showed he has all the qualities of joining the so called elite squad soon.  For the Reds the Brentford Bee stood out, being thwarted on several occasions with excellent shots on goal.

Ah, but not forgetting Bambi, he had a quiet game in all senses, not even heard to use the ‘F’ word once.