7th September

Match Report by Rory

The Rehabilitation of Ronnie Rosenthal

Oh Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, not a bad player who had the ability to grace the stadiums at Liverpool, Tottenham and errmm Watford. Although he had a distinguished international career with 60 caps for Israel, he will always be remembered for “THAT” miss for Liverpool against Villa in September 1992. Well Ronnie, you can finally get that monkey off your back following an extraordinary miss by the first AI footballer in the world StepHEN. More of this later football wanabees, welcome to your weekly cure for insomnia and constipation, it’s your friendly local Walking Football Match Report!

Well, the walking football algorithm had thrown up a 6 against 7 in the marginally faster game. The regular plodders welcomed cybernetic assassin Stacy sent back from the future by Skynet to combat the power of Kai, who had returned to the hallowed plastic turf following a mechanical refurbishment in a remote science lab in Norway. The blacks also welcomed Steve Bruce tackler Steve (Stan), who ensured the opposition knew who his bootmaker was.

The reds looked strong, with libero Kevo gliding across the defensive line and initiating a series of attacks on the blacks’ goal. StepHEN was still on a test run, and one previously successful outing for the AI prototype was not going to guarantee him a regular run in the team. Luton’s 33^rd choice keeper Loas, started between the sticks ably supported by guitar hero Rick and Hungary wing wizard Johnny, returning after a crippling ankle injury. Meanwhile, the reds had deadly football juggling trickster Yoza, full of ball wizardry and goalscoring threat up front.

The understrength blacks were full of grit and determination and no small amount of skill. In addition to tough tackling Stan at the centre of defence, the blacks had powerhouse Dazza providing surging wingback runs down the right flank. Rory and John were shoring up the midfield with Kaj muscling his way up front. A touch of class for the blacks was provided by wee Eddie with his sublime left peg and football nous.

As expected, the reds dominated the early exchanges with some lovely football and the occasional shot vaguely in the direction of the blacks’ goal. Stan was doing a brilliant job of marshalling the defensive talents of the blacks by issuing a series of barked instructions which only he understood. Never mind, it seemed to work. In a rare attack Arsenal superfan John helped power the blacks up the field and snaked a good ball through to wee Eddie. Who would have thought all that money his parents paid out for his Scottish Country Dancing Lessons would finally pay off. The diminutive wing wizard had his back to goal before introducing the famous Strathspey travelling step, pirouetting on a sixpence and blasting the ball into the back of the net. What a goal. Blacks 1-0 Reds.

The reds were stung into action and made good use of their extra man and Yoza showcasing a series of flicks and stepovers to befuddle the tight blacks’ defence. However, the blacks looked dangerous on the break and Dazza made some great penetrative runs down the right flank. Eventually the blacks benefited from some casual defending from the reds and a misplaced ball from Stacy fell to one of the two left feet belonging to Rory. Much to the surprise of everyone on the pitch he managed to take advantage of the breakaway and fire the ball into the bottom corner to give the blacks a deserved two goal cushion. Blacks 2-0 Rory.

With the reds stung into action StepHEN latched onto a great through ball from Kevo and bore down on Dazza in the blacks’ goal. StepHEN kept his cool, swivelled his hips and sent Dazza diving full length in the wrong direction. However, just then with the empty net at his mercy he wandered into an internet dead zone and his nerve centre was no longer able to receive messages from the server. With his feet travelling at twice their normal speed, they still couldn’t keep up with the rest of his body which fell inexorably towards the plastic turf. Despite a valiant last-ditch attempt to swing a leg at the ball StepHEN only served to slice the leather orb onto the corner flag to the horror of his watching teammates. Somewhere in leafy Cricklewood a large sigh of relief could be heard as the good-natured Maccabi Haifi legend finally handed over the mantle of the worst miss in footballing history to StepHEN, while simultaneously ending Walking Football’s experiment with Artificial Intelligence.

It was at this point that Yoza realised he needed to stop showboating and start sticking the ball in the back of the net. Loas was starting to have greater influence as the blacks tried to defend their lead. It was the unfortunate Rory who found himself in goal when the blacks’ defence parted like the red sea for Yoza to proceed with 36 stepovers before drilling it past the hapless keeper. Worse was to come and the blacks had lost their shape and for the second time left Yoza free in the inside left position. Once again, the big man wove his magic before slotting it past the bemused Rory in the blacks’ goal. Blacks 2-2 Reds

The blacks were really up against it for the final quarter with Kaj turning in a great performance in goal to deny the reds the winner. Box to box midfielders John and Rory worked overtime to keep the reds at bay with Dazza and Stan providing some rock-solid defensive work to keep the attacking hoards at bay. With Breck adding a full 10 minutes of Fergie time the blacks were on their knees when the final whistle peeped. Blacks 2-2 Reds.

At the end of the game, StepHEN was dismantled and returned to Amazon while Stephen was welcomed back into the team being eternally thankful that it wasn’t him that missed the biggest sitter of all time.

Match Report by the Commander

REDS …5 versus BLACK’S …2

Back after 2 months in the UK dodging the extremely hot weather in Spain yours truly happily took the whistle to referee the 5 a-side old farts game at the Polideportivo.

This was no easy task as it took a while for everyone to adapt to some of the rule changes that had come in recently during my absence in an endeavour to reduce injury, such as unlimited touches on the ball, balls above head height allowed, albeit with discretion, no running with the ball at your feet but you could off the ball into space and no tackling whatsoever.

The final score does not truly reflect the closeness of a really enjoyable game undoubtedly aided by the new rule changes, albeit it must be said Jan ‘Bite your legs’ Smith and our Aud ‘The terminator’ we’re missing.

Indeed the Black’s squandered enough chances in the last 10 minutes to have at least levelled the score.

The reds took an early lead with a nicely taken opportunist goal by the Bee from Brentford, quickly cancelled out by Steve, on his short break from his new life in Finland.

The 2nd quarter was goalless with both teams going close on occasions.

At the start of the next quarter, the reds reclaimed the lead through Ken, our soon to be octogenarian, who proved he had  not lost the ability to put the ball into the back of the net despite his absence during the summer recess at the Polideportivo.

This lead was cancelled out by Bambi, who from near the left corner flag, hit a screamer from this acute angle, which somehow, ended up in the back of the reds net. It was undoubtedly a fluke shot albeit Bambi as ever was adamant he deliberately bent the ball towards the goal.

The last quarter began with the reds getting three quick goals, the first a cracking left foot chip shot from Boris following a cleverly taken quick free kick from Dave ‘Cab’ which left new boy, Chris regretting taking a breather in goal, completely flat footed. The other two goals came Dave ‘Cab’,  instrumental in most of the reds best play and a second for Ken who by now had long forgotten the earlier disallowed goal for stepping into the opposition box, which he strongly disputed.

In the added time the blacks wasted a hatful of chances the best of which fell to Bambi.

Keef as ever for the blacks delivered some quality passes for his team mates who, unfortunately, did not capitalise on these chances particularly in the last minutes of the match.

For the blacks Brian also worked tirelessly down the flanks as did Pete for the reds.

Final score 5-2 to the reds.

And finally, Benalmadena is DEFINITELY back………