Time until the next game at Benalmadena Polideportivo

Match report by Rory

Due to recent legal threats against WFS for being slightly inaccurate, our media department has been compelled to issue the following disclaimer: All references to any events or individuals either living or dead are purely deliberate. And anyone who has any issues with this should immediately head out the door labelled “Do One!”.

The lads and ladettes welcomed newbie Len whose groin was to reach legendary status as the game progressed. Ken (no not that Ken!) made a welcome return after his shoulder injury and took up a position on the left for the blacks, where he could deploy his trusty left foot. Darren Anderton prodigy Len defended the blacks back line. Ken (yes, that Ken) played upfront for the blacks, supported by inspirational leader and Ted Talks headline act El Bambino (facking pass the ball!!).

The man who used to be somebody (can anyone remember his name?) took up a more advanced position for the blacks, and quickly established himself as the person to get second prize for the biggest moaner after El Bambino.

Legendary bollard placer Fish, opted for goal, as he was concerned the high winds would catch his tail fin and knock him over.

Big Kevo started out at the back, ably supported by Jan, the reincarnation of Chelsea legend “chopper” Harris, who savagely took out at least three blokes who were twice her size. Meanwhile, Dazza’s pre-match sports programming went somewhat array and got stuck between gaelic football and soccer, leading to a number of shots sending the ball into a low orbit around the earth.

Milky Steve’s coffin had been delivered by the local mortuary, and he was able to survive in the sunlight for the requisite hour, although he did start to rapidly decompose when the Commander slapped some extra time on.

While Breck will claim the teams were evenly matched, everyone could see that the odds were stacked heavily in favour of the reds. Their big mistake was to start Stephen in goal. As per previous games, this was an immediate gift to the opposition. Otherwise, the reds looked solid.

With former Zenit St Petersburg midfield stalwart Sergei once again imposing himself in midfield. Boris provided his usual calm assurance and touch at the back, well supported by spindly legged whippet Rick who pitched up in fluorescent boots and shorts (look at me!) which should have attracted a straight red.

Audrey sat in the middle of a solid midfield, desperate to get her first goal after missing a hatful of sitters last Thursday. Welsh Steve had recovered from the shock of Gareth Bale’s retirement and was a dynamic force just behind the red’s front two. Returning Villa midfield ace Terry brought a touch of class to proceedings with his touch and passing ability constantly prising open the blacks’ defence. Goal hanger Mike teamed up with superfast Sonic up front to provide a deadly strike force for the reds.

Former notebook fixer and “highly respected” (ed…???) Met Police Commander Geoff took the whistle – the teams immediately desperately put together as many euros as they had to try to influence the outcome. The reds won the early exchanges, putting the blacks under some intense pressure. However the blacks soon mastered the windy conditions and in what was probably the best move of the day, the ball was worked through to El Bambino on the edge of the box. The cantankerous front man threaded a great ball through to the geezer formerly known as Keef, who had ghosted his way to the edge of the box. In a desperate bid to establish himself as a someone, he calmly slotted the ball past Stephen who was too busy trying to work out which rule had been infringed as the ball rolled past him.

The blacks were on fire, and it wasn’t long before Kevo picked out Ken (yes that Ken) on the edge of the box. The striker, who has a tenuous link to Stanley Matthews wasted no time and fired in a swerving thunderbolt past the preoccupied Stephen (was that pass above head height?). Blacks 2-0 Reds.

But as is typical in walking football, the reds clawed their way back into the game. Terry and Stephen seized control of midfield, and Audrey moved into the hole, just off the front two. This tactical switch flummoxed the blacks who couldn’t cope with the change in formation. With Stephen out of goal the reds were transformed into a team of pass and move attacking demons. But it was a moment of controversy which opened the doors for the blacks when a bead of sweat from the Fish’s head was blown outside the box, leading to the Commander immediately awarding a harsh penalty. Darvel’s reserve centre forward Mike stepped up and calmly sent the Fish the wrong way. Blacks 2-1 Reds

With the bit between their teeth (what’s left of them) the reds surged forward, pinning the blacks deeper into their half. The pressure eventually told following great play from Terry and Stephen, the ball broke to Audrey who turned on a sixpence and acrobatically volleyed the ball into the net. A truly spectacular first goal of the season for the reds’ midfielder. Blacks 2-2 Reds.

This stirred the blacks from their torpor and with Keef and Dazza combining well down the right a number of opportunities opened up.

Unfortunately, super-keeper Breck was on fine form and kept the reds in the game. Radioactive footed Rick snuffed out some promising breaks for the blacks before replacing Breck in goal. Eventually, the blacks’ persistence paid off and a great ball from Keef set Dazza free. With back to goal Dazza unleased his inner Messi and brilliantly backheeled the ball past the stunned Rick in goal. This was quickly followed by a great volley from your correspondent which took the blacks to what looked like an unassailable lead. Blacks 4-2 Reds

What followed was a total siege of the blacks’ goal by the rampaging reds, with shots firing in from all angles in a heroic bid to level the scores. Welsh Steve hit the post with a great drive which should have pulled the reds level. However, the blacks finally cracked when a defence splitting ball from Terry found the predatory Sonic on the edge of the box.

The reds’ frontman superbly half-volleyed the ball past the Fish and into the net to secure his first ever WFS goal. With the clock ticking down and Len’s groin injury finally getting the better of him the reds peppered the blacks goal.

Mysteriously, the Commander added just enough time to allow Breck to sneak through the defensive lines and score a dramatic equaliser past the sneezing Fish, just before he blew the whistle. And as the game ended you could hear the sound of 100,000 lira going into an offshore back account – KERCHING!

The reds will have felt a bit hard done by with the result, but they did have the barely concealed support of the referee. A great game with some first-time scorers in Audrey and Sonic. Well played everyone.