Time until the next game at Benalmadena Polideportivo

Match report by Rory

It’s a game of three thirds…

With a cool wind whipping across the Poli pitch several of the walking footballers dressed as if readying themselves to rob the local branch of La Caixa bank. For some, it would certainly have been a more fruitful pursuit than trying to boot an air-filled bladder encased in leather into a net. The game started out brightly with the reds having early dominance in the game. Rory started off in goal for the reds and was protect by a solid defensive wall comprising Jackie,  Paul, Tim, Brian and Audrey. Paul, who was a guest player showed off his cultured left foot (which co-incidentally is a fully paid up member of the Royal Opera). There was a touch of the Arsenal Invincibles about the reds’ defence (Offside!!).

Stephen confirmed what a rubbish keeper he is by conspiring to let in two goals from Colin and Sergei, who is in a rich vein of goalscoring from.  The first goal followed some good build up play involving Breck and Sergei which released the predatory Colin with the ball on his favourite right foot. The reds’ striker wasted no time before firing a great cross-shot into the goal past the statuesque Stephen. The second was a nice shot from Sergei which caught the wind and drifted over the head of the hapless blacks’ keeper when he strayed too far off his line. Reds 2-0 Blacks. The reds looked to be comfortably in control with El Bambino up front brilliantly holding up play and inspiring his team mates with cries of “your fa**ing useless!” Alongside El Bambino, Colin was hungry for more and in search on an elusive hat-trick.

Welsh Steve was having a blinder in midfield. In fact, he couldn’t get any blinder given that most of his passes never found his team-mates. Nevertheless, Steve’s boundless enthusiasm disrupted the opposition attacks, and he did his best to out-Dazza, Dazza. Wing-backs Paul and Tim set up some fine moves down either flank for the reds, with Jackie (they shall not pass), unveiling a range of great interceptions and accurate passes up field.

However, the blacks dug deep with Ken’s mobility coming to the fore as he created a number of opportunities for fellow goal-hanger Mick. Eventually the dynamic duo sprung open the reds’ defence with Mick providing the coup de gras with a delicate shot past the static Rory into the bottom corner. Rory was grateful for some encouraging words from El Bambino (“fa**king useless keeper”). Reds 2-1 Blacks. The blacks could smell blood and pressed forward, supported by Kevo’s silky skills and gentle prompting with the ball. With Boris unfurling his best Tony Book impersonation, the blacks had the confidence to attack. Jan had another great game, and landed some crunching tackles on Colin. Steve was having his usual solid game in front of the back four for the blacks. Dazza who had been playing a different game (literally – he was playing gaelic football!), suddenly unleased some dazzling footwork and scored the goal of the game. Showing that his sabbatical with the Royal Ballet was time well spent, the diminutive midfielder seized on a great through ball, and with back to goal pirouetted on the edge of the box before firing the ball past a rather confused Rory in the reds’ goal. Tutu and ballet shoes were tossed into the air in celebration. Reds 2-2 Blacks.

Stephen came out of goal where, lets face it, he’d been a complete disaster, and joined Kevo in midfield to strengthen the blacks’ attacking options. Stephen swiftly deployed his football morse code….no, no no, yes yes yes yes, but unfortunately, none of his teammates could understand it. The reds’ back line held firm which allowed Audrey to move into a more advanced role and fire off a couple of shots which got within half a mile of the goal. Just as the game looked like it was heading towards a stalemate El Bambino and Breck combined well down the left flank to release Colin who duly scored his second goal of the afternoon. Reds 3-2 Blacks. The reds took a deserved lead and looked comfortable for a home win. However, you can never relax at walking football and Breck (who was also refereeing the game) awarded a controversial penalty to the blacks because Paul’s little toe had strayed into the penalty area.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man, and up stepped Mick to face the pressure of trying to equalise against the run of play. Brian looked confident and did a full Emiliano Martinez and unleashed a bag of clowning and strange gestures, in a forlorn attempt to distract Mike. However, 45 years of local government financial accountancy has ensured that Mike wasn’t easily distracted. He calmly stepped forward and slotted the ball the Brian’s left. Fortunately Brian had brought a mobile winch with him which lowered him down to the bottom left had corner enabling him to get a glove to the ball. It just wasn’t enough to stop Mike’s powerful shot from going into the bottom corner and drawing the blacks level. Mike ran the length of the pitch in celebration and simultaneously submitted the club’s final year accounts. Reds 3-3 Blacks.

The blacks saw their opportunity to win the game, but were thwarted by solid defensive play by Paul and Jackie who enabled the reds to see out the rest of the match.

Final Score Reds 3-3 Blacks.