Time until the next game at Benalmadena Polideportivo

Slow Farts Report by Geoff


The slow 7 a side match at the Polideportivo started despite the ‘leaden’ clouds passing overhead from the nearby Calamorro Mountains. The first quarter ended goalless and the first indication of what was to come came by way of a few droplets of rain during this break.

At the beginning of the second quarter the heavens opened to some much needed torrential rain, albeit not at this particular moment.

Remarkably the astroturf initially held up to the 40 minute downpour of almost biblical proportions, to there credit the old farts continued to play on reminiscent to your reporter of the conditions of the now infamous 1968 Rugby League Challenge Cup Final at Wembley.

During this period Dave 🚕 scored an excellent individual goal for the Blacks with Bambi adding a spectacular second from an almost impossible angle.  2-0 at the break and still the ran poured down with all the players now begin to  look like drowning rats.

Dave 🐝 scored a goal early in the third quarter with a blockbuster of a shot to pull one back for the Reds before the influential Dave 🚕 in midfield got a second for the Blacks. Laurence following a flowing passing movement this despite the pitch now holding a lot of surface water scored an excellent 4th goal for the Blacks.

Before the 3rd quarter ended another Dave the guest of Paulo our ‘dear’ Italian friend scored for the Reds on his debut by  way of intercepting an uncharacteristic poor back pass to ‘H’ in goal from Dave 🚕. 4-2 to the Blacks.

The last quarter remained goalless in no small part to the sodden AstroTurf with the rain still belting down. One particular funny incident towards the end of the match saw Paddy in goal for the Reds make a fine diving save almost ‘drowning’ as he went through a big puddle in his goal area.

For the Blacks Dave ‘C’ had a sound defensive game, having not played football for some 20 years, he has settled in well after two weeks with us to also show some fine ball distribution, this despite the wet conditions.

Incredibly everyone despite their age and being thoroughly drenched played an extra 15 minutes, so much did they enjoy the conditions, alluding to the quote ‘anyone who thinks sunshine is happiness has never played football in the rain’.

In view of cafeteria once again letting us down by not opening at the Polideportivo a dozen or so of us went in to the pueblo for refreshments, however ‘Keef’ declined as he had to go home to do the housework. He was last seen ‘running’ out of the Polideportivo wearing one of Gills pinnies!

It is believed Gill was due back last night from the UK.


Final score: Reds ….2 versus Blacks ….4

“Football does Swan Lake!” Fast report by Rory
Breck had introduced some fresh excitement into the pre-match preliminaries by leaving the aged footballers to work out which team they were in until the last minute. In the superfast broadband game, the reds looked the strongest on paper. Kaj (the beast) started off up front with “nearly a great pass” Steve in the hole. They were supported in midfield by Kevo on his newly modified waterproof hoverboard. John was left to salsa his way across the front-line. Terry took up his usual position as midfield general, laying the ball off to his teammates. This left knee-knack Rory to take the gloves.

To much horror, the blacks were a man down but quickly set out their stall (cheap waterproofs and wellingtons). Colin started up front for the blacks, supported by big Al maximising his power to move through the multiverse and appear in several places on the pitch simultaneously. Fiery Keef prowled the midfield with TV Kev wing-backing his way down the left barking out instructions to his confused teammates. Steady-Breck was a reliable sweeper-keeper, setting up numerous attacks for the blacks.

With the additional man the reds soon took advantage with a couple of cool finishes from Kaj who decided to hit the target instead of slicing his shot to the corner flag. The blacks soon got fired up however when Steve initiated the first of many lively debates about when players could or couldn’t run. The debate got so complicated it’s now been accepted as a core part of the Btec Philosophy course at Leeds University – I think, therefore I am…..
The reds managed to keep their heads and a nice flowing move involving Kevo, Steve and John resulted in light-footed hoofer slotting the ball into the bottom corner. The reds had a deserved early 3-0 lead. However, surely the earlier debate on running had so offended the weather gods that their tears fell heavily upon the footballers. This seemed to dampen the reds attack while simultaneously inspiring the blacks. They had a particular advantage with big Al using his superpower to dodge the torrent and Welsh Colin who felt he was back at home in the Valleys enjoying a good day out.

Just as we thought the rain had stopped Keef’s head from exploding, the lads decided to initiate a thoroughly stimulating debate about whether Kaj had headed the ball before or after it went over head height, or indeed whether it mattered when it was over head height, as heading is an offence and warrants a yellow card. Still with me punters?…..welcome to my world. Following a mass brawl reminiscent of Arsenal vs Man Utd games in the Fergie / Wenger days, John the ref awarded the blacks a free kick. This was surely the turning point of the match as the blacks started to pepper the reds’ goal.

Colin grabbed the goal of the game volleying the ball home from a tight angle at the far post, giving him a brace for the match. 3-2 to the reds. Tragedy struck when a harmless miss-hit shot from big Al somehow managed to squirm through Terry’s hands, legs, and then bounce off his heel into the net. The ball was travelling so slowly it was overtaken by a snail with a limp. The blacks were elated as they could sense victory as they waded through the two inches of water currently lying on the pitch.

Sure enough the more energetic reds grabbed a fourth to cap off a brilliant comeback. Despite Kevo’s efforts to drive the reds forward through the rain they couldn’t break through the blacks stalwart defending, backed by some classy goalkeeping from Breck. A thoroughly deserved win for the blacks who played with a man down. Thanks to John for trying to herd cats. Meanwhile the newly formed Walking Football debating society continued after the game. Well played lads!